Possibly-Better-Off Missed Connections [Reader Services]

Our post Valentine’s Day prediction for cultural Missed Connections was a bit off. We expected tons of mushy, lovey dovey, gag-inducing posts  — but what we found left us in uncontrollable giggle fits. Who are these people and why do they think insulting someone, talking loudly about venereal disease, or giving someone your business card when you’re on a date with someone else, is the way to anyone’s heart?

After the jump, get ready to LOL at a handful of rather dark-sided posters who might actually need to be alone while they work through some issues.

Dear Hipster – w4m – 25 (Lower East Side)
Your lack of relevance and irony pales in comparison to your shitty taste in music. You might think you look sexy in your girlfriend’s skinny jeans and guyliner, but any semblance of hotness flies out the window when you open your mouth to talk about how much Bloc Party or Arcade Fire rock while you take another swig of that pisswater PBR.

Chances are, you’re wearing more makeup and hair product than I own. Chances are, you know nothing about the sheer awesomeness of Cannibal Corpse or Townes Van Zandt. Your bookshelf probably sucks and your downloaded movie collection reeks of Will Ferrel.

So keep those poor balls of yours squeezed between your legs until the next Amy Winehouse look-alike strolls into your life.

p.s. I’ll still be hitting on you at the bar.

Cakeshop, Saturday feb 14, valentine’s, 7pm to 7:30pm – m4w – 26 (Lower East Side)
This was in the back on the first floor, not the basement. You were with your gal friend sitting on the couch and speaking in another language that wasn’t English (couldn’t hear which over the heavy metal). I was sitting at a table next to you alongside the wall, by myself, reading. When the music suddenly stopped and then came on again twice as loud, we both made a strange face, smiled at each other, and momentarily shared a laugh. When you got up to leave we smiled at each other again and you said, bye. I had short hair, no beard, grey corduroys, a black fleece. You were wearing blue jeans, had dark shoulder-length hair. I think you had on red lipstick and red nail polish, and whether or not you know it, a pretty, unique face. If you see this, email me and maybe we should hang. If it’s not you reading this, have a nice day, and fun perusing missed connections

Naked Standup Show last Sat 2/7 – m4w (Midtown)
During the show, we were the 2 people laughing louder than anyone else.

Afterwards, we were in the crowded lobby. We thought we knew each other but couldn’t figure out how. My horrible blind date took 5 minutes in the bathroom. I gave you my card.

Use it!

Connecticut boy at Black Keys Concert – Friday Feb 6 – w4m (Terminal 5)
Dude! Yeah you! The tall one chewing gum with the handsome face fuzz and the white plaid shirt with the fantastic snaps! You had me at “I hear one in 4 people in the city has herpes” and then rocked out next to me up until the encore. You jetted before we could exchange our most protected cell numbers . . . . . . . . I guess you had big plans to beat the coat check line? Beats my big plans never to post on missed connections, but here’s hoping we both luck out.

– Long-haired brunette with sparkly eyes and black jacket that still smells of weed no matter how many times she febreezes it.

I Rather Be Alone – m4w – 21
I remember why I regress from the rest.
I’d rather be alone,
than never really know,
Who to trust.
It’s better to blame everyone else,
than myself.
I wont waste my time,
guessing truth from lies.
confusion bleeds from my ears
sound pollution is all i hear.
Its all i hear.
Its all i hear.
It wont ever happen again,
I’ve put games to an end,
I wont guess the better friend,
I’d rather be alone.