While it’s just been announced that Michael Jackson WILL NOT be auctioning off Neverland’s effects (seems he remembered he owns the Beatles catalog), all is not lost. Julien’s Auctions has put the canceled sale’s entire catalog online, and it’s quite a read. Because we’re shamefully obsessed, we waded through the 964 pages of scantily clad child sculptures, life-size Moon Men, and Nana-style knickknacks. While there were certainly some WTF moments, the overall impression is that Jackson had two very different decorators working at once: Tom Hanks in Big and our great-great grandmother. After the jump, 20 genuine gems…

1. Vincent McKoy Portrait ($2000-3000)
As if you didn’t know, the the King of Pop loves classic leggings.

2. Life-size Darth Vader Lego Statue ($6,000-8,000)
“LUKE, I AM YOU FATHER… There was an accident with a toy box and a fertility clinic…. Don’t ask…”

3. Lladro Figure of Abraham Lincoln ($600-800)
(1) Why are they between Lincoln’s legs and (2) what’s with his expression?

4.Wood and composition neverland sign ($300-500)
Is that stag boy blowing up the moon?

5. Life-size MTV Moonman ($300-500)
Because you’ve got out-do the Madonna somehow.

6. Medieval Style Sword ($200-400) Wooden Scepter with Gilded Mounds ($200-400)
You know, in case he has to wrangle with wizards…

7. Bronze Statue of Centaur Wrestling a Stag ($800-1200)
Erm…. yeah. I don’t like that centaur’s expression AT ALL.

8. Danbury Mint Twin Towers Commemorative Statue ($50-100)
It’s neat to know that Michael Jackson watches late-night informericals.

9. Tri-Colored British Silver and Wood Wine Cooler ($200-300)
Sorry, but I just don’t believe that Michael Jackson drinks homemade mead.

10. Neverland Fire Truck and Harley Police Motorcycle ($6000-8,000 each)
A pretty compelling argument NOT to pull over when you see red, flashing lights.

11. Assorted Life-Size Figures ($200-700 each)
You think this is creepy? You should see the life-size old woman holding a copy of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Where would a person even put these??!?

12. Sega R-360 Flight Simulator ($4000-6000)
God I wish my parents had sent me to Space Camp…

13. 19th Century Erand Upright Piano ($10,000-15,000)
This baby is actually quite a beaut.

14. Assorted Fortune Telling Machines ($1000-7000 each)
It’s well documented that the Zoltar machine can turn boys into men. Lord only knows what these others do…

15. Johnny Depp Prop “Scissorhands” ($4000-6000)
OHMYGODTHAT’SAWESOME!!!!!

16. Michael Jackson Civil Rights and Black History Books ($300-500)
Or you could just buy them at your local secondhand bookstore.

17.Paul Bedard portrait of famous figures in Michael Jackson glasses ($1000-2000)
You couldn’t make something like this up… wow… just wow…

18. Coin-operated Mills Volcano Virtuosos (self-playing violin with piano accompaniment) ($20,000-30,000)
Scavenged from Liberace’s yard sale?

19. X-Men (Konami 1994) – ($1500-2500)
Greatest Arcade Game EVER!!!

20. White Marble Figural Group (angel sculpting the Madonna) ($800-1200)
I just don’t think this is how it all went down…