Our only prayer during Idol‘s rock and roll night was that a rolling stone the size of Ruben Studdard would just roll over our heads and put us out of our misery. It was all the vehicle Adam Lambert needed to unleash the full horror of his gut-turning squeals. While he yelped out a version of Led Zeppelin’s “Whole Lotta Love”, we hoped that a whole lotta stage lighting would come crashing down on his heavily made up face. We also discovered that — surprise — Danny “Hokey Gokey” Gokey and Kris Allen are about as rock and roll as Kirstie Alley is not carb-addicted. Alison “Irahetes” Iraheta was the one bright spot, in our opinion. We haven’t been super jazzed about her in week past, but her performance of Janis Joplin’s “Cry Baby” was spot on (no matter what corn dawg Randy says). Plus, she’s the only girl left and she really needs our love.
Instead of just biting the bullet and making the show a half-hour, the producers decided to unveil another pointless addition (no, not Kara): The four remaining contestants were forced to sing duets with one another on top of their solo performance. Things got super duper awkward when Kris and HG had to sing together (personally, we’d give a hundred bucks to be a fly on the wall during that dice roll).
For all of the details on rock and roll night, read on.
7:58: Quick refresher: Tonight is rock and roll night with Slash as the guest mentor. I hope he slashes a little Adam Lambert throat.
8:00: Cousin K called with a tidbit of gossip, pre-show: Apparently Hokey Gokey is hawking glasses for Lens Crafters (that’s why he has a new pair every week). After some further research, I discovered that her “expert source” is that idiot Jillian Madison over at wehateidol.com, a site she started especially for this season of Idol. I’m thinking of starting a new site, too. It’s called jillianlookslikeahorse.com.
8:01: “We’re coming to you very live from Hollywood today,” says Ry-Guy. Very live? As opposed to kinda live, right Ry-Guy? Apparently, there was an accident on stage before the show. Yes, besides Kris Allen.
8:02: The contestants are performing duets tonight in addition to their solo songs. This oughta be good. Perhaps Adam could do one where he and his closeted 15-year-old self sing “Islands in the Stream”.
8:03: Kara really took tonight’s theme to heart. She’s wearing this tragic studded leather jacket. Oh, Kara. Please go back behind the scenes. At least Paula’s marginally entertaining.
8:04: On a related fashion note, Adam’s outfit is super duper scary this week too. His earrings are bigger than Zsa Zsa’s.
8:05: “Slash is in the studio recording his first solo album,” says Ry-Guy. Slash’s hairstyle has not changed in twenty years, says me. Dude, I can’t wait for the rehearsal footage of him and Hokey Gokey. It’s gonna be great!
8:06: Adam is up first and he’s singing “Whole Lotta Love” by Led Zepplin. PS: Tina Turner does a KILLER cover of this song — check it out.
8:07: Adam Lambert = the emo kids from South Park.
8:08: Adam’s dancing during the guitar solo is super queeny yet the pathetic girls in the front row are still crying/pining for him. I guess it’s no surprise. After all, look at Prince.
8:09: Let the gush-fest begin. “This is the Adam I love, dude. No one is ever going to think of Broadway or any of that stuff,” says Rand. Are you kidding me with this? His vibrato is like Carol Channing’s.
8:10: Kara calls him a “rock God” and suggests that his first album be glam rock meets Nine Inch Nails. Good advice, Kara. That’ll do really well on today’s radio. Paula says Adam’s a “whole lotta perfect.” Gross.
8:11: Simon adds that it was one of his performances so far. “The only problem is that nobody can top that now,” he goes on to say. I can only hope that there will be some serious fan backlash as a result of the judges ass-kissing Adam.
8:12: Irahetes is performing after the break and she’ll be doing Janis Joplin’s “Cry Baby”. She totally should have done “Piece Of My Heart” — she would’ve killed that!
8:16: We’re back and Irahetes is looking a little better tonight in a basic black top and some leather pants. She tells Ry-Guy that she went to Adam’s hair dresser in preparation for her performance tonight. I guess she wants to look like a lesbian from North Dakota too.
8:17: Dude, her rehearsal is sick. She’s totally gonna wipe the floor with Adam. Slash thinks that she needs more confidence. Yikes. Simon’s been on her about that too.
8:18: She’s great tonight with a very nuanced vocal. I actually think she’s so much better than Adam tonight.
8:19: Wow, I’m really impressed with Irahetes. Maybe a girl does have a chance of winning after all. The judges don’t look very bowled over though.
8:20: Randy didn’t love the song choice says. What a tard. Kara says Janice was the right choice but that “Piece of My Heart” would’ve been better. Thank you!
8:21: “If they ever do a biopic on Janis, you’ve got the role,” says Paula. Um, they did you amoeba. It’s called “The Rose”. Simon says he thought the vocal was terrific but that it was a little to similar to the original.
8:22: When Irahetes tries to defend her choices to the judges, Simon says, “Alison, just beg.” Ouch. That was a little uncalled for.
8:23: Hokey Gokey and Kris Allen are doing a duet after the break. Ew. Probably “Somewhere Out There” from An American Tail.
8:27: “There will be no phone numbers on the screen during the duet performances,” says Ry-Guy. Then what is the point of them again?
8:28: Hokey Gokey and Kris Allen are doing some lame Styxx song. The harmonies actually sound pretty tight. Once it gets going though, it’s tragic. Hokey Gokey’s voice has some grit and he sounds a lot better than Kris.
8:29: Things that are more rock and roll than Kris Allen: nuns, Strawberry Shortcake, my dad’s gout.
8:30: “I think you guys complimented each other great with that song,” says Randy. Aw, too bad California passed Prop 8. They could’ve made it official right here on the show. Kara says it sounded like they didn’t always hear each other on stage. Huh? Paula calls it “powerful and compelling.”
8:31: Simon says Hokey Gokey was better than Kris. Again, THANK YOU. Solo for Kris is next. He’s doing the Beatles. God, help us.
8:36: Kris is doing Come Together. Tina Turner did a great cover of that one too.
8:38: Not as bad as I thought it would be, but pretty vanilla.
8:39: PS: Who’s the really hot guy with Kris’ family? Back to the judging: Randy “appreciates him picking something that allowed him to be himself and loved his guitar playing.” OK, this isn’t American Air Guitar Idol dawg.
8:40: Kara says it wasn’t a great performance and thought he “was trying too hard.” Paula says, “his imprint made it compelling.” Yeah, like how the imprint of my open hand will make your cheek compelling Abdul.
8:41: Simon likens it to “eating ice for lunch. It will leave you with nothing to remember afterwards.” Except sore teeth. Says it was a boring song choice.
8:42: Hokey Gokey is up after the break with his take on Aerosmith’s “Dream On”.
8:47: There’s a scream at the end and it’s not looking pretty. Even Slash thinks it could go either way.
8:48: Note to Hokey Gokey: An ill-fitting, poorly-made pinstripe vest and matching pants is only rock and roll in Bollywood.
8:49: Dream on is right. The screams at the end are sooooooooo painful.
8:50: Randy says it was “alright” but will give him an A+ for a valiant effort. This isn’t a spelling test. Kara says he took the “swagger and edge” a little too far.
8:51: Not to be outdone by Randy, Abdul gives HG an A++ for “going for it.” Going for what exactly? World’s biggest tool?
8:52: Though Simon still thinks HG will be safe tonight, he says his last note was “like watching a horror movie.” Apparently Simon has had bangers and mash in his ears during all of Adam’s previous performances.
8:53: Duet between Irahetes and Adam is next.
8:57: They’re singing “Slow Ride” and it’s way better than HG and Kris.
8:59: Randy says they like two seasoned rock stars and should do another duet on their debut albums. Kara calls it a “duet done right” because they pushed each other to be better.
9:00: Paula says they were totally in sync. Adam responds by saying that Irahetes is like his little sister. Oh, no! That’s almost as scary as, “Luke, I am your father.”
9:01: Simon tells Adam that he may have given Irahetes a chance to stay in the competition. Come on, Simon.
9:02: Paula is taking the stage tomorrow night to perform her new single. Did I hear that right? Or is it that Paula’s newly single? Anyways, I think bottom two are Kris and Adam (I hope) and that Kris is gone.