You know those nights when you’d really rather have your fingernails pulled out à la Guantanamo Bay than go out? You’ve ordered your favorite take out, assumed the position on the couch, and are flipping aimlessly through the channels, looking for something to entertain you? And sometimes, you have an odd, burning desire to see a man on a jet ski fly right into the mouth of a waiting prehistoric shark? Come on, admit it.
Deep Blue Sea, Shark Attack 2, Jaws 3, Night of the Sharks, Jaws of Death… anything with the words “shark attack,” “blood,” and “genetically-altered” in the description makes our hearts leap with joy when we’re tired and hungry. We want to see sharks eat people. Read on for our list of the ultimate shark-infested flicks, and be sure to add any omissions in the comments.
Blue Demon- Pretty terrible. The computer animation is so bad that the sharks look like cartoons most of the time, plus they move laughably fast. It’s kind of funny though. And it’s nice to laugh in the face of death every once in a while, isn’t it?
Deep Blue Sea- Excellent film. No, truly. This is one hell of a shark movie. Lots of decently realistic shark footage, plenty of eating, and tons of suspense. Our dog actually got up and walked away half way through because she was tired of us squeezing her to death every time a shark tried to eat someone. The cast includes Samuel L. Jackson and LL Cool J, which adds a little something extra. A must see!
Jaws 2- Continuation of Jaws. A second shark appears. Chief Brody tries to warn the town — no one listens. Sound familiar? Kids take some boats out and get stuck/flip over. A shark attacks them. Brody tries to save them. Ringing any bells? Overall, not a bad film, but not as good as the original.
Jaws 3- Unlike Jaws 2, this next installment is a real gem. It takes place at Sea World. Yes, we said Sea World, where the Brody brothers, now all grown up, are working. A baby great white is discovered in the lagoon and put in an exhibit. Mommy is still in the lagoon. And she’s not happy. One of our all-time favorites!
Jaws: The Revenge- The Brodys take on the Bahamas after one of the sons is killed by, you guessed it, a great white shark. Momma Brody is convinced that the shark has a vendetta against her family. And, since it follows them to the Bahamas, she has a good point. This final installment in the Jaws franchise sheds a lot of the plausibility of the other films. Wait, did we just say that? We’ve been watching too many shark movies.
Jaws of Death- A man who can communicate with sharks (cool!). He secretly boards shark fishing boats at night, and feeds the fishermen to his shark friends (also cool). Eventually, his gift is abused by a malicious scientist, and revenge must be taken (which clearly involves a fair amount of munching). On the whole, this one has excellent shark footage, and is a pretty decent film.
Open Water- Great concept, terrible execution. Don’t you just hate that? This movie centers around the true story of two scuba divers who are accidentally left behind in the middle of the ocean, and presumably eaten by sharks. The sharks that spend over an hour of the movie circling them aren’t very aggressive. Which is disappointing. Obviously. Also: The handheld camera action gave us motion sickness.
Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus- We just discovered the trailer for this one, which had a direct to DVD release on May 19th. It looks like a real golden nugget. The plot? You guessed it — a mega shark and a giant octopus, frozen in combat over 10 million years ago, are unfrozen because of global warming, and begin to wreak havoc on the modern world — or maybe you didn’t guess that. In any case, the acting looks appalling; the screenplay atrocious; and the animatronics, abominable. For a good laugh, see trailer below.