Much Ado About Nothing, by William Shakespeare
Shakespeare’s dramatic works, of course, are all meant to be read aloud — they are plays, after all. But if we could only pick one, we’d choose Much Ado, one of the bard’s wittiest, most charming productions, which is certainly saying something. In truth, it would be preferable if you could get a few of your friends to read it out loud to you, but that may be pushing it a bit.
Just, if he send me no husband; for the which
blessing I am at him upon my knees every morning and
evening. Lord, I could not endure a husband with a
beard on his face: I had rather lie in the woollen.
You may light on a husband that hath no beard.
What should I do with him? dress him in my apparel
and make him my waiting-gentlewoman? He that hath a
beard is more than a youth, and he that hath no
beard is less than a man: and he that is more than
a youth is not for me, and he that is less than a
man, I am not for him: therefore, I will even take
sixpence in earnest of the bear-ward, and lead his
apes into hell.
Well, then, go you into hell?
No, but to the gate; and there will the devil meet
me, like an old cuckold, with horns on his head, and
say ‘Get you to heaven, Beatrice, get you to
heaven; here’s no place for you maids:’ so deliver
I up my apes, and away to Saint Peter for the
heavens; he shows me where the bachelors sit, and
there live we as merry as the day is long.