A Literary Insult For Every Occasion

For disagreements over Magic cards/games of Dungeons and Dragons/cosplay:

“The man is as useless as nipples on a breastplate.” – A Feast for Crows, George R.R. Martin

For morons (read: everybody):

“I told him he didn’t even care if a girl kept all her kings in the back row or not, and the reason he didn’t care was because he was a goddam stupid moron. He hated it when you called him a moron. All morons hate it when you call them a moron.” – The Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Salinger

When only the juiciest alliteration will do (or when cursing out children): 

“You blithering idiot! … You festering gumboil! You fleabitten fungus! … You bursting blister! You moth-eaten maggot!” – Matilda, Roald Dahl

For someone who thinks they’re better than you:

“This liberal doxy must be impaled upon the member of a particularly large stallion!” – A Confederacy of Dunces, John Kennedy Toole

For bitter arguments in Parisian bars:

“I misjudged you… You’re not a moron. You’re only a case of arrested development.” – The Sun Also Rises, Ernest Hemingway