If you’ve been reading Flavorwire for the past few years, then you already know that one of our favorite holiday traditions is doling out gifts to 100 boldfaced names in culture — it doesn’t matter whether they’re dead or alive; naughty or nice; highbrow, lowbrow, or somewhere in between. Click through to see who made the cut this year, and while you’re at it, find the perfect gift for the Amy Poehler, Philip Roth, Zooey Deschanel in your own life!
A reminder of her best recurring character on SNL, and a damn fine Christmas album to boot!
Because we love her. We really, really love her.
On the shortlist of things make the icy Vogue editrix crack a smile: this lovely street-fashion photographer.
Hey, even fearless, globe-trotting journalists get an occasional flat tire.
A nautical gift for our favorite little mermaid.
In his second term, we hope the President steals this page from Ben Franklin’s playbook.
For rocking courtside at Brooklyn Nets games.
Now the we’ve seen the real Mr. Wizard, there’s no debate about who we’re gifting this geeky mug to.
A delightful deco necklace fit for our latest Daisy Buchanan!
Carly Rae Jepsen
Our Christmas wish: never to get “Call Me Maybe” stuck in our heads ever again.
Carrie Brownstein/Fred Armisen
Brunch in a box means no passing out while waiting in line at Fisherman’s Porch for six hours.
This shocking eye mask should make those long flights between LA and New York a bit more entertaining.
A little reminder of her time on the Pacific Coast Trail.
What’s better than giving Chris Brown an F U scarf? Giving him an IOU for one.
It’s a robe that makes you look like a TARDIS. We think the Nerdist founder would be very pleased.
It was either this adorable picnic blanket, or a box of tissues.
So many pretty chairs to yell at.
We haven’t seen enough of Cougar Town to know whether or not Jules reads, but we definitely know she drinks.
If she’s ever going to finish that memoir, it’s time to start taking notes.
We know she’s no icon, but we couldn’t see this necklace and not think of the teen bride.
After what has been a very busy year for the Baltimore artist, we imagine that he might enjoy a little down time.
David Foster Wallace
Two words: Infinite Jest.
Think of all the trouble the former CIA director could have avoided if he’d just used snail mail.
No explanation needed.
We all know Baby Olive is going to be the coolest.
Every dedicated Khaki Scouts leader needs a good looking compass.
With Peggy striking it out on her own, we imagine Ms. Moss misses spending QT with her dreamy co-star.
The perfect accessory for the most famous dash-user in history.
We didn’t count the toes.
Between her publicized arrest and the death of her beloved pooch, this well-loved lady had quite a rough year. Hopefully her 2013 is a lot less dramatic.
Apparently Flannery loved writing long letters to her pen pal Betty Hester almost as much as she loved peacocks.
Because if we don’t laugh about it, then we’ll have to cry.
All the red peppers and garlic in the world won’t erase New York Times critic Pete Wells’ takedown of Guy’s new Times Square restaurant, but at least this will burn in a good way.
According to this recent New York Times profile, our current Secretary of State never sleeps. Ever! Here’s hoping she opts for a 2016 run after spending the next year chilling out for a change.
Let’s be honest: Shining Jack Nicholson is the best Jack Nicholson.
Maybe New Girl’s Nick Miller isn’t a bartender just because he likes three feet of bar between him and everyone he meets. Maybe he really enjoys making cocktails.
What do you get the crazy filmmaker who has already ventured to the deepest point in the ocean? A soothing cup of tea.
Jason Segel/Michelle Williams
Adorable couples deserve equally adorable joint gifts.
If Seinfeld’s Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee web series gets a second season, this will come in very handy.
Don’t worry J.K. Once upon at time, critics weren’t so fond of Jane Austen’s quaint social dramas either.
The perfect statement necklace for the grand dame of E!’s Fashion Police.
Tinkletown will love this. Hopefully the Germans won’t show up before Big Cheddar gets there to back him up.
“It’s just a flesh wound.”
It might not be quite as campy as he’d like, but we think the Pope of Trash would adore this hand-carved ode to his hometown.
We don’t know if he’s really the “World’s Most Annoying Bird-Watcher”, but he’s definitely the most famous.
Justin Bieber/Selena Gomez
Will these two even be together when this gift guide goes up? Who knows. What we do know is that they could learn a thing or two from their fictional predecessors.
We may have heard that this portable bonfire log is on Bon Iver’s rider.
This is what we imagine Katy Perry’s entire house smells like — especially now that Russell Brand is gone.
Because no one, not even Kelly Ripa, wakes up looking that perky without a little bit of help.
Paul Levitz’s 75 Years Of DC Comics: The Art Of Modern Myth-Making is being re-issued by Taschen as a five-volume edition, starting with this baby. Even Mr. Comic Book Men would be impressed.
We’ve never met Ke$ha, but we can’t imagine her disagreeing with the sentiment above.
These statement earrings were fashioned out of tiny, vintage Yves St. Laurent plaques that never made it onto garments.
Good lord we miss Dooneese, and her tiny, baby hands.
Memo to Mother Monster: Cake is meant to be sliced, not rolled around in.
Lana Del Rey
We like Lana Del Rey best when she’s flanked by giant tigers.
Kurt might be struggling, but we all know that Rachel Berry is Tony bound.
At this point, we feel better acquainted with certain parts of Ms. Dunham’s anatomy than our own.
A gilded dictionary Gatsby would approve of, old sport.
Knowing Weezy, this balm will come in handy quite often in the year to come.
A tote bag never spoke truer words.
Because Louis C.K. cannot not eat donuts.
A scent meant to evoke “a memory of Boston in the ’80s” is a scent that we think Wahlberg would find irresistible.
Behind the perfectly iced cupcakes and clever design projects, we all know this mogul has a serious dark side.
Too on the nose?
Ah, to be married to a mustachioed god like Nick Offerman.
What can we say? This is a woman who really loves polka dots.
If the Mayor of New York can take down super-sized sodas, certainly climate change doesn’t stand a chance.
A gift that combines two of the FLOTUS’ favorite things: physical activity and gardening.
This cute tote — red on one side, black on the other — is meant to be flipped around based on how one’s love life is going.
Sorry, we couldn’t resist!
When you correctly predict 50 out of 50 states, then you get to gloat about it.
Neil deGrasse Tyson
America’s favorite astrophysicist may never visit the stars, but he can stitch them.
A more affordable alternative to a moon colony.
We’re actually not sure who would love this book more: Offerman, or his on-screen counterpart.
Knowing Minaj, she’ll want one in every color — and wear them all at the same time.
It’s harder to get in trouble for tweeting from the wrong device when said device is made of wood.
We don’t care what Ryan says now — once a Randian, always a Randian.
Thanks to her new diet, this silk scarf is as close to bacon as Paula Deen’s gonna get, y’all.
For second breakfast!
Not to be crass, but the recently retired author is going to have a lot of times on his, er, hands.
You have to be pretty badass to pull off holster socks. Somehow, we think the Django Unchained director will manage.
We already know which pair will be her favorite.
Shines bright, like a diamond.
The only thing that Sir Branson won’t like about this glow-in-the-dark screeenprint is the fact that his name isn’t on yet.
Thanks to The Walking Dead, the idea of a zombie apocalypse doesn’t seem that crazy anymore, does it?
If you saw Roseanne’s Nuts, then you know the comedian/Peace and Freedom Party presidential candidate has seriously mellowed out since moving to a macadamia nut farm in Hawaii.
Now that she’s no longer pregnant with baby Lorenzo, you know it’s only a matter of time…
What do you get the Tolkien geek who already owns a replica of Anduril, Aragorn’s sword? A gorgeous treasure map to hang on his wall.
This will go over well, unless the precocious Rookie founder has already read it.
Remember this? The man is clearly nuts.
Given Liz Lemon’s delightful choice of wedding dress, we think this geeky set of prints is entirely appropriate.
Just think: without Pixar, we’d never have gotten to hear Hanks say things like “There’s a snake in my boot!”
Fun fact: Tracy Morgan has a shark tank installed in his basement.
The drool-inducing Penguin Drop Caps series features covers designed by Jessica Hische, whose gorgeous lettering you might recall from Moonrise Kingdom.
You love New York, remember? Now come back and make a movie here!
The perfect quirky gift for TV’s most adorkable teacher.