Things That Will Happen Before Beatles Catalog Is on iTunes

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With The Beatles: Rock Band and the band’s entire remastered catalog hitting retail shops today, it’s no wonder that we hear more rumors that EMI, the Fab Four’s floundering label, and Apple, ye proprietor of the country’s largest retail music shop, finally reached a deal to sell the Beatles catalog on iTunes. Sky News would have you believe it’s true, quoting Yoko Ono as their source. Of course, Sky News removed the link almost immediately after publishing, though not before a host of news services picked up on the story.

Beatles/iTunes rumors are a dime a dozen, in part because of the backwardness of the situation. The band has their own video game, yet you still can’t download Revolver without looking over your shoulder for the Web Sheriff. This got us thinking of all the things we expect to happen before the Beatles catalog is really for sale online. Indulge us, will you?

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1. Bill Clinton and Hillary Rodham Clinton will face a sex tape scandal. If EMI thinks withholding the Beatles catalog from iTunes because of piracy issues is a good idea, then maybe Hillary will find it in her heart to stop withholding affection from Slick Willy.
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2. History will deem George W. Bush a “hero.” With an approval rating lower than Tiger Woods’ handicap, one of the most unpopular presidents of all time will be awarded the Medal of Honor for sticking up for America, when, ugh, everyone hated us. Say it with us now, “Real American Hero.”
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3. Yankees and Red Sox Fans will agree to disagree. After over a hundred years of regional squabbling, brawls, and jinxes, fans of the Boston and New York teams decide that the rivalry isn’t really a “big deal” and team up in their mutual hatred of the Baltimore Orioles. The Curse of the Bambino is but a distant memory.
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4. Ringo Starr will be voted People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. Years after his appearence as a caveman in Caveman, Richard Starkey, the oft regarded “stupid Beatle,” is named the sexiest men on Earth after appearing in a Playgirl Magazine spread. Of course, anyone whose ever seen Starr play the Pope in Lisztomania could already attest to this.
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5. The North willingly cedes the South. Amidst deep annoyance over its obsession with NASCAR, the North decides that it doesn’t need anything south of the Mason Dixon line anymore. Except Paula Deen. A presidential campaign between Jeff Gordon and Dale Earnhardt, Jr. is currently under way.