Now and Forever: A Treasury of Fan Fiction Inspired by Andrew Lloyd Webber’s ‘Cats’

cats_olddeuteronomy

From “Old D Gets Fit”:

Old Deuteronomy was angry. He was bitter. He was jealous. The other Jellicles were dancing at their special ball and he was meant to be looking at them and smiling. As if he could smile when his fur looked like a giant rug and he hadn’t moved for 20 years because of the weight. He struggled to his feet and looked at his younger son, the Rum Tum Tugger, dance with that Bombalurina effortlessly and sexily. Old D growled and proceeded to jump from the tyre and – to everyone’s surprise – land casually on his feet.

“What?” he snapped at their stunned faces, “I’m a cat, aren’t I? We land on our feet! Or am I not counted because I’m old?”

They all ignored him and carried on dancing. Old D stormed into the middle of the junkyard and proceeded to dance, feeling incredibly irresistible and cool at everyone’s blank faces.

“Um, Father…” Munkustrap began and left Demeter’s perplexed side to walk up to his crazy looking Dad, “You probably shouldn’t do that. You might break a hip.”

Old D stopped dancing and glowered at his son, but the red face and puffing made him lose his cool posterior. “What do you suggest? This is so unfair! Even Jennyanydots looks fat and old in that suit, but she can dance and look skinny in two seconds! It’s not realistic!”

“Oh, I don’t know, dearie.” Jennyanydots spoke up, “Maybe you should try a fitness regime? You can teach cockroaches how to dance with me! It’s fun!”

“NO.” Old D yelled back, “It’s completely idiotic. Why do we have cockroaches in a Cats musical? This must be stopped!”

“But the kittens love it, Father! Think of the kittens!” Munkustrap begged, whilst also hiding the fact that he loved Jennyanydots between his legs and dancing like an idiot.

“I think I’m having a heart attack,” Old D wheezed and sat heavily on the floor. “Jenny, help me get thin.”