You may have seen The Hairpin’s hilarious hypothetical treatment of a BBC news report on Syria as if edited by a women’s magazine editor (if not, it’s definitely worth reading). The tiresome over-editing at some such magazines has long been a source of frustration for writers — and certainly it goes on at men’s magazines, too. So, in the spirit of reciprocity, here’s the same report, as if edited by a magazine devoted to the holy trinity of bro-dom: tits, testosterone, and technical terminology.
Syria (THAT’S NEAR IRAQ, RIGHT?) government site (FACILITY? IS IT LIKE A SECRET BASE OR SOMETHING?) in Damascus hit by huge (USE A BETTER ADJECTIVE. GINORMOUS?) bomb. (CAN WE JAZZ UP THE LEDE A BIT?)
Civilians (JUST FYI, DUDE: CIVILIANS ARE BORING) in Damascus (IS THIS IN IRAQ? ARE OUR TROOPS THERE?) have been caught in the middle of clashes (DESCRIBE THESE CLASHES: VIOLENT? BLOODY?) between government forces and rebels (WAIT, WHO ARE THE GOOD GUYS AND WHO ARE THE BAD GUYS? ARE THE REBELS INSURGENTS OR FREEDOM FIGHTERS?).
A bomb attack (WHAT SORT OF BOMB?) on a Syrian government building (WAS IT DESTROYED?) near Damascus has killed 31 people (SWEET), according to the Syrian Observatory for Human Rights (ARE THERE ANY CHICKS WE CAN GET PICS OF?).
Four generals (FOUR-STAR GENERALS?) were among the dead, the activist group (WAIT, WHO?) said.
The explosives (WHAT SORT OF EXPLOSIVES? SHOULD BE USING MILITARY TERMINOLOGY HERE) are thought to have been placed in the basement (LIKE THE DUDES TUNNELED IN?) meaning opposition fighters (WAIT AREN’T THESE GUYS TERRORISTS?) were able to breach security (USE “ON THEIR WATCH” HERE) to get into the building (USE “MISSION” HERE). (CAN WE TALK TO ONE OF THESE DUDES? WAR STORIES ALWAYS TRAFFIC WELL. ALSO DESCRIBE WHAT SORT OF GEAR THEY HAD.)
There has been no confirmation of the attack by state media, or by government officials (BORING).
But Damascus has experienced increasing violence (WHAT SORT OF VIOLENCE? NEED DETAILS!) recently as clashes (DETAILS) between government forces and rebels (DUDE WE GOTTA MAKE CLEAR WHO THE TERRORISTS ARE THIS IS CONFUSING AS FUCK) in the suburbs intensify (INTENSIFY IS GOOD).
Three people were killed on Thursday by bombs (LIKE FROM PLANES? OR IEDS? OR RPGS? OR PVV-5AS? OR PE5? OR C-4?) and mortar fire near the historic (BORING) Old City of Damascus.
On Monday the driver of a school bus (BORING) and four children (DUDE YOU GOTTA AVOID KIDS — READERS DON’T LIKE ‘EM) died when a mortar (60MM, 82MM OR 120MM?) hit their vehicle (PICS? SHOULD BE USING THE WORD “TRAGEDY” HERE IF YOU HAVE TO DISCUSS KIDS).
Sunday’s explosion happened in the suburb of Harasta (RASTA! LOL), north-east of the capital.
The Syrian Observatory for Human Rights – a UK-based activist network (BORING) – said it was not clear what type of bomb (AW DUDE, WE GOTTA FIND OUT) was used but that the force of the blast (THIS IS GOOD) completely leveled the building (ARE THERE PICTURES? WE COULD PUT THOSE BLACK BAR THINGS ACROSS THE DEAD PEOPLE’S FACES IF WE HAVE TO).
“Only the night staff (BUT ARE THEY HEROES?) were on duty (“ON THEIR WATCH”) when the explosion occurred. If the bomb had gone off an hour before, there could have been up to 200 dead (BUMMER),” the group’s head, Rami Abdel Rahman (IS THIS A CHICK? IS SHE HOT?), told Reuters news agency.
Fleeing the fighting (GOTTA CHANGE THIS HEADING — NO ONE LIKES PUSSIES)
As well as the clashes around Damascus, there has also been fierce fighting (DESCRIBE THIS!) north of the capital, in Qara near the border with Lebanon (WAIT ISN’T THERE A WAR THERE TOO??).
Government forces (ARE THESE THE GOOD GUYS OR NOT) tried to storm (GOOD) rebel positions in the town, the Observatory said (WAS IT A FIRE FIGHT? WAS THERE A HAIL OF BULLETS?).
Thousands of Syrians have been pouring over the border to Lebanon in the past two days, taking shelter from the clashes, according to UN and local officials (BORING).
The UN says more than 100,000 people have been killed since the uprising against President Bashar al-Assad (HE’S THE BAD GUY, RIGHT?) began in 2011.
More than 2.2 million Syrians have fled to neighbouring countries while an estimated 4.25 million have been displaced internally. (IDK DUDE MAYBE WE SHOULD HOLD THIS UNTIL THE NEXT CALL OF DUTY COMES OUT?)