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The Untold Stories Behind 10 Rock ‘n’ Roll Threesomes

There are lots of rock songs about sex, but a whole lot fewer about menages à trois, and you can see why: the ones that do exist are almost universally terrible. This seems like a blot on the music industry’s collective copybook, so we figured there might be some merit in investigating the circumstances behind a bunch of famous threesome songs. You’ll never believe what happened next!

Interpol — “No ‘I’ in Threesome”

[Deliberately seedy dive bar, Lower East Side, 2001.]

Paul Banks of Interpol: “Hey baby, y’know, I’m getting bored, what if we —”
Mrs. Paul Banks of Interpol: “Yes, Julian?”
PB: “Stop calling me that.”
Mrs. PB: “Sorry. Yes, Paul Banks of Interpol?”
PB: “What if we… had a threesome? With someone… hot?”
Mrs. PB: “Oh honey, sure, I’ll call up this one guy I know.”
PB: “No, wait—”
Mrs. PB (on expensive Nokia cellphone): “Hi, Carlos D of Interpol, would you like to have a threesome with me and Paul Banks of Interpol?”
Carlos D. of Interpol (voiceover, creepily): “But of course.”
PB (despairingly): “I meant a hot girl!”

[Carlos D. enters.]

Mrs PB and Carlos D. (in unison): “TOO LATE, PAUL BANKS. TOO LATE.”

[PB exists stage right, with Mrs. PB and Carlos D. in hot pursuit]

Jane’s Addiction — “Three Days”

[Backstage, Lollapalooza, early '90s.]

Perry Farrell: “Hey girl, wanna touch my robe? It’s authentic hand-woven camel hair, made by a blind shaman in the Mexican desert.”
Groupie #1: “No.”
PF: “Hey girl, wanna come back to my trailer? I’ll mansplain the Kabbalah to you.”
Groupie #2: “No.”
PF: “Hey girl, wanna drink this ayahuasca with me? We can trip balls and understand the secrets of the universe.”
Groupie #1: “Look, dude, I don’t mean to be rude, but we’re trying to find Anthony Kiedis.”

[Crestfallen, Perry walks away. Dave Navarro enters stage left.]

Dave Navarro: “Hey girls, want to sleep in my coffin?”
Groupies (in unison): “Perry, wait, we’re going with you!”

Leonard Cohen — “Famous Blue Raincoat”

[A studio apartment on Clinton Street, 1968. A single candle burns.]

Leonard Cohen (gravely): “It’s four in the morning. The end of December. I’m—”
Jane (interrupting): “Oh Lenny, stop it. Why do you always have to be so serious?”
LC: “Sorry.”
Jane: “And give me back that lock of hair. It’s creepy.”
LC: “I’m so sorry.”

[Silence.]

Jane: “Why don’t you go down to the bodega and get some beer? I’m sick of red wine.”
LC: “It’s cold, and that prick ran off with my raincoat.”

[Silence.]

LC: “Did you ever go clear, though?”
Jane: “What does that even mean?”

[Silence. A cold wind blows in off Clinton Street. The candle flickers. Leonard sighs heavily.]

LC: “Did I ever tell you about Janis Joplin?”

New Order — “Bizarre Love Triangle”

[Manchester, 1986. Bernard Sumner and Peter Hook pore over a lyric sheet.]

PH: “The thing is, Barney…”
BS (singing): “Every time I see you falling…”
PH: “Well, it’s just that…”
BS (singing): “I’m waiting for that final moment…”
PH: “This song doesn’t seem to be about a love triangle, is all.”
BS (singing): “I feel fine and I feel good…”
PH: “Are you listening to me?”
BS: “WELL WHAT IS IT ABOUT THEN, YOU GINGER TWAT?”
PH: “How t’fook should I know?”
Gillian Gilbert: “Stop it, you two.”
PH and BS (in unison): “I miss Ian.”

ABBA — “Two for the Price of One”

[A bedroom, mid-'70s. Shagpile carpet. A lava lamp. Anni-Frid and Agnetha recline on a bed in the company of a bearded dude.]

Anni-Frid: “Oh, Björn.”
Bearded dude: “What?”
Agnetha: “We love you so much, Björn.”
Bearded dude (confused): “My name’s not Björn.”
Anni-Frid: “Oh, Björn. Stop being naughty.”
Bearded dude: “I’m not Björn.”

[Anni-Frid and Agnetha study him closely.]

Agnetha: “Oh, Benny, you’re so naughty, playing a joke on us like that? You grew a beard to fool us!”
Bearded dude: “I’m not Benny either!”
Anni-Frid: “Who the fuck are you, then?”
Bearded dude: “I’m Barry Gibb.”
Anni-Frid and Agnetha: “Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu—”

The Rolling Stones — “Stray Cat Blues”

[A sleazy motel, some time during the 1960s.]

Mick Jagger: “You say you got a friend?”
Apparently underage girl: “Um…”
MJ: “That she’s wilder than you?”
Girl: “Well…”
MJ: “No, I don’t want your ID!”
Girl: “You don’t?”
MJ: “It’s no hanging matter! It’s no capital crime!”

[Girl reaches into handbag and produces badge and gun.]

Girl: “Actually, it is.”
MJ: “Fuck.”
Girl: “You’re nicked, sunshine.”
MJ: “Don’t tell Keef!”

[She handcuffs him. They exit stage left.]

Stereo Total — “L’Amour a Trois”

[A hotel in Berlin, mid-'90s. Françoise Catcus and Brezel Göring are in bed with a handsome young gentleman.]

Françoise Cactus: “Moi, ce que j’adore: c’est les petit caresses à quatre mains.”
Brezel Göring: “C’est sexy, extatique, crazy, excentrique!”
FC: “Oui!”
BG: “Animal, romantique…”
FC: “Oui!”
BG: “C’est communiste!”
FC: “…communiste?”
BG: “Oui, parce que je pense que c’est possible que Marx et Engels à—”

[The door opens. One of Chicks on Speed walks in and registers what's happening.]

One of Chicks on Speed: “Dear god!”

[She runs out of the room and slams the door.]

FC (shrugs): “Je ne comprends pas les Americains.”
BG: “Elle est Australienne, je pense.”
FC: “C’est la même chose.”

[The handsome young gentleman stretches languidly and sits up.]

BG: “Encore?”
Handsome young gentleman: “Pourquoi pas?”

[Fade to black.]

Peaches — “I U She”

[The same room, some time later.]

Françoise Cactus: “Mais tu sais, les Canadiennes….”
Brezel Göring: “Ah oui, c’est vrai que les Canadiennes sont differents. Tu connais Merrill Nisker?”
FC: [whistles appreciatively]
BG: “Quelle fille.”
FC: “Zut alors.”

[Silence.]

BG: “Tu veux lui téléphoner?”
FC: “Maintenant?”
Handsome young gentleman: “Pourquoi pas?”
FC: “Ooh la la.”

Britney Spears — “3”

[A corporate boardroom, 2009.]

Man in suit: “We need something new for this singles compilation.”
Other man in suit: “New?”
Third man in suit: “Edgy.”
Yet another man in a suit: “Controversial?”
Man in suit: “What haven’t we done yet?”
Man in suit, possibly not one of the aforementioned: “Schoolgirl uniform?”
First man in suit: “Did it.”
Different man in suit: “Red catsuit?”
First man in suit: “Nope.”
More men in suits than you can count: “Mildly risqué S&M references?”
First man in suit: “Done.”
Army of men in suits (in unison): “GROUP SEX!”
First man in suit: “YES! Britney, what do you think?”
Britney Spears: [Silence.]
Army of men in suits: “LET’S DO IT!”
Britney Spears: “Derp.”

Rick James — “1, 2, 3 (You, Her and Me)”

Rick James (to camera): “Cocaine is a hell of a drug.”

[Smash cut to audience laughing hysterically forever.]

[Fade to black.]

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