If you’re ever looked into the eyes of a dog, or a cat, or any critter that is near and dear to your heart, you’ll know that the existential differences between humans and animals aren’t all that vast. Our furry friends feel love, and pain, and joy, and excitement. They also, as it turns out, enjoy wearing PJs and eating the occasional Big Mac. A onesie-clad joey named Jimmy (I can’t even) recently tried to get his burger on at a McDonald’s in Wisconsin, but was promptly evicted from the premises because he’s a kangaroo. Fortunately, not all institutions exhibit such blatant anti-marsupialism: Jimmy’s human, Dina Moyer, told the Beaver Dam Daily Citizen that the kangaroo is her constant companion:
She said she has been visiting the McDonald’s at 840 Park Ave. for three months with Jimmy and no one has ever complained. In fact, she said she takes Jimmy everywhere, including her church — Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in Beaver Dam — and to the east side of Madison. Recently she and Jimmy drove to Eastgate Cinema in Madison to watch Taken 3.
Of course.
Wisconsin isn’t the only place where adorable animals have worn out their welcome. New York City is being overrun by deer. Considering that a gazillion rats are frolicking beneath New Yorkers’ feet at any given moment, an influx of deer seems like a pretty nice animal problem to have. But the state’s deer population is exploding, and the animals are damaging crops and causing tens of thousands of car-collisions every year. I don’t envy the task force that has been given the very un-PR-friendly job of curbing New York’s deer population. I also don’t envy the deer.
While we’re on the topic of animalistic ravaging, let’s talk about the beleaguered Fifty Shades of Grey movie (sorrynotsorry). In addition to the film’s leading man and lady having about as much chemistry as two pieces of cardboard, and amid rumors of epic clashes between E.L. James and the film’s director, Target has now come under fire for selling Fifty Shades-themed bondage gear. Items from the collection include a “Yours and Mine Vibrating Silicone Love Ring” and a “No Peeking Soft Twin Blindfold Set.” Some of the naughty stuff was displayed alongside Target’s selection of kids’ toothbrushes, which was admittedly a questionable choice.
Another erotically-challenged situation is described in a New York Times essay by Chriss Offut. The author’s father was a prolific writer of pornographic novels in the 1970s, and when he died, Offut discovered his dad’s massive collection of erotica. Just think about that next time one of your parents does something embarrassing.
A more illustrious discovery was made at Bletchley Park, the headquarters of Britain’s codebreaking efforts during WWII. A recent renovation unearthed pages of notes written by Alan Turing, the computer scientist who played a central role in cracking Nazi cyphers (and who was recently portrayed by Benedict Cumberbatch in the Oscar-baitey Imitation Game). Now that I’ve taken this piece down the very weird path of kangaroos, porn, and mathematical geniuses, I think it’s time to sign off.