17 Unrepentantly Trashy Beach Reads for 2015

beachtrash

According to the National Ocean Service, almost 40 percent of the American population lives in a county located directly on a shoreline. If you then imagine America as a giant sanitation vehicle, and if you also figure that most Americans can read, then you arrive at a simple conclusion: we are all, in one way or another, human literary trashcans destined for the beach. With this in mind, here is a selection of the most interesting literary trash of 2015 so far.

clintoncash

Clinton Cash by Peter Schweizer

Several reputable news outlets paid cash for advanced knowledge of the trash in this trashcan of a book about our national Oscar the Grouch and soon to be president Grundgetta. Luckily, many will endorse this book — whether left, right, or libertarian communist — so feel free to slip it into your beach tote.

postpussy

Post-Pussy, Gabby Bess

New Lovers Trilogy

New Lovers Trilogy No.1: We Love Lucy by Lilith Wes; How to Train Your Virgin by Wednesday Black, God I Don’t Even Know Your Name by Andrea McGinty

Quality high-art erotica trash from Paul Chan’s Badlands Unlimited imprint. How do you train your virgin? You take him to the beach!

melrose

The Patrick Melrose Novels, Edward St. Aubyn

It may not look it from the cover, but this is proper literary trash. Posh British people. Heroin. Drunkenness. Death. Time to hit the beach!

Clint, The Life and Legend, Patrick McGilligan

Clint Eastwood attempted to sue the author of this book for $10 million dollars because of its scandalous contents. A mainstay of cinema biography, Clint has been updated to reflect Clint’s recent divorce, reality television exploits, and his infamous appearance at the Republican National Convention — all of the recent trash comprising his life, in other words.

knockedupbythebadboy

Knocked Up by the Bad Boy, Vanessa Waltz

Now, before you waste your time judging me, just remember that I am unrepentant. This excursion into the world self-published erotica is an anthropological one: bad boy book porn is dominating the Amazon marketplace right now. Take it to the beach for some field research.

Mireille

Mireille, Molly Cochran

More melodramatic, perhaps, than trashy, Mireille tells the story of Mireille and her escape to Paris. And her pregnancy. And her later stint as l’Ange, the “most celebrated ‘poule’ in all of France.”

thievesfallout

Thieves Fall Out, Gore Vidal

Vidal did not want you or anyone else to know he wrote this Cairo-based spectacle of trash-noir. But you repent to no man, so pour yourself a piña colada and pretend you are baking in the Cairene sun.

yogasex

Better Sex With Yoga, Ashley Fitzgerald

I would tell you that “[t]his book will show you how Yoga can improve your health and sex drive as well as your sexual experience to make your life a more enjoyable one. You will learn to let go of stress, anxiety and inhibitions so you can open up to your inner energy flow which will in turn let you open up to the experience of enjoying sex,” but you’ve already ordered it.

mystruggle

My Struggle Vol. 4, Karl Ove Knausgaard

The banal life of a vainglorious man in all of its trashy splendor. No matter how you twist it, My Struggle is monumental literary garbage. And it’s called My Struggle, so if you are going to read it on the beach, you’d better be unrepentant.

selfish

Selfish, Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian is, as my colleague Jillian Mapes wrote, “an equal-opportunity beacon of  shamelessness.” And what is a beach but a congregation of human shamelessness, equally distributed?

edwoodjr

Blood Splatters Quickly, Ed Wood, JR.

I will admit that this book came out last year, and that I have already written about it several times. Nonetheless, it is dear to me as probably the best of all trashy books to be released this decade.

maude

Maude, Donna Mabry

Carrying this book on the beach is guaranteed to make you look like a nutter. Still, it spent much of the year at the top of Amazon’s self-publishing bestseller list, which is no small feat if you consider that it had to persist over bad boy sex novels.

torture

The Senate Intelligence Committee Report on Torture

Five hundred seventy-six pages of unrepentant government trash.

childrendictionary

Merriam-Webster Children’s Dictionary 

Alienate yourself from the English language with the classic Merriam-Webster Children’s Dictionary. It has been updated this year with 93 new entries. And if you read it on the beach, everyone will think you teach elementary school.

bibliomancy

Guiding Love: Book Of Bibliomancy by Elizabeth Rose Howard and Simon C. Godwin

I accept our inevitable slide, or ascension, into bibliomancy. Our inability to distinguish between real and fake, our perpetual reference to David Shields’ disturbing falsehoods about reality — these are the signs and wonders. But instead of fighting it, I choose to be a disciple.

For the uninitiated, bibliomancy involves divination by way of books. Sometimes you just ask a question aloud, open up your favorite holy book, point to a passage, and do whatever it says. Sometimes it’s more complicated.

If you’ve got some love problems, why not try Guiding Love: Book of Bibliomancy? With its “690 channelled insights, this divination tool provides far-reaching and empowering guidance into all aspects of human relationships, from love and romance, to friendships, career partnerships, and even chance meetings and liaisons.”

Now, admittedly, this book might raise some eyebrows at the beach. So what? The answers to your insecurities, beach or nowhere at all, are now at your fingertips.

stepbrother

My Stepbrother the Dom, Arabella Quinn

As far as I know, this is the trashiest book of 2015.