Since 2003, through her syndicated advice column, Amy Dickinson has offered up words of wisdom to just about every type of person in crisis. Unbeknownst to Dickinson, that recently included Johnny from The Room. On July 4th, Ask Amy ran a column with the headline, “Don’t turn dysfunctional relationship into marriage,” and it turns out said dysfunctional relationship was the famous web of lies between a certain Johnny and his deceitful fiancé, Lisa from Tommy Wiseau’s canonical midnight film. A very clever troll wrote to Dickinson — who clearly didn’t have as keen a knowledge of ironic pastimes as her cunning correspondent — as “Devastated,” and essentially summarized the film:
Dear Amy: I have a serious problem with my future wife. She has not been faithful to me.
I recently overheard her talking to her friend about how she was unfaithful to me. When I confronted her, all that she said was that she couldn’t talk right now. I feel like I have to record everything in my own house just to learn the truth.
To make things even more stressful is the fact that she recently told a couple of people that I hit her, but it’s not true. I did not hit her. I’m not sure why she has been acting like this lately. She did just find out that her mother has breast cancer, and that might be playing a role in her behavior.
We still always find time to make love, so I don’t know why she would go out seeking it from someone else. I just can’t believe she would do this to me. I love her so much, she is my everything, and I don’t know that I could go on without her. She is tearing me apart.
What should I do? — Devastated
In all fairness, none of that sounds particularly outlandish — and all of that could easily read as a description from someone desperately seeking advice… though “record,” “breast cancer” and finding “time to make love” give away the message’s The Roominess, unless, in this case, you’re Amy Dickinson. She responded:
The first thing you should do is to NOT get married. Your fiancée’s behavior and your response are the very essence of dysfunction. If you are correct and she is stepping out on you, this is a huge problem. Your declaration that you feel like you “have to record everything … just to learn the truth” is chilling. Her counter-accusation that you hit her is potentially very dangerous for you.
Because of an escalation in behavior I sense in both of you — and the seemingly toxic connection between you two — it would be wisest for you to separate. Seek the support of close friends, family, and a professional counselor to help you deal with this loss and change.
If only she’d been around in the actual world of the film, when the “real” Johnny was still alive, she perhaps could have saved him from Lisa — and from himself. But alas, all we’re left with are these thoughtful admonishments for a ghost, and the hope that perhaps next week, Dickinson will lend her knowledge to Nomi Malone or the residents of Nilbog.