Love in the Time of Doom: Bringing Hipster Home to Meet Mom

Welcome to this week’s installment of Love in the Time of Doom, a weekly column written by Flavorpill’s resident relationship expert and metal enthusiast, Lord Grimmak of the planet Arkonia. Please submit any questions concerning love, romance, and human relationships to him directly at raiseyourhorns [at] gmail.com and he shall duly answer them to the best of his abilities each Friday.

Read on for Grimmak’s most excellent advice on a holiday-related issue of the heart after the jump.

Esteemed Lord Grimmak,

I’m taking my boyfriend home to meet my mom this Christmas. I’m really excited to bring (force) together two people I love deeply, but I’m rather nervous. He’s of the tattooed, mohawked variety of Brooklyn hipster, and while my mom’s a pretty cool lady (oh yeah, she was front row for the last Bay Area Killers show), I’m still skittish. Do you have any tips to ensure the visit go as smooth as possible?

Sincerely,
Solveig the Spooked

Dear Solveig,

I thought only metrosexual Eurotrash and leather daddies had mowhawks these days. Is it one of those short, neatly manicured ones that look like a porn star’s crotch? Well, you sound like a nice enough human, so I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume your boyfriend is also a decent individual.

Solveig, seems like you’re the one that has a problem with your mom and your boyfriend — you are so afraid there’s something so wrong about each of them that there’s a big chance they’ll piss each other off. Is this dude seriously the most outrageous guy you’ve ever dated? You sound pretty hip, so I have to imagine some of the guys you’ve brought home over the years have been weirder beyond just having outdated hairstyles and some ink. You also haven’t told me anything that would indicate your mom is some kind of freak either. Besides, you love these people, so give them the respect they deserve and just trust that they have common ground, at the very least because they both love you.

I have a hunch they’re both really excited to meet each other (assuming you haven’t been hiding the fact that you have a boyfriend or a mom), and if you just back off a bit and allow them the chance to get to know each other, it should all pan out well, unless your boyfriend has the tendency to speak loudly about tapping you in the you-know-where at inappropriate times. Even if it’s awkward at first, as can happen when any two people meet each other, if this is a lasting relationship you have with your man, it’s bound to get smoother over time. I wasn’t so lucky when I brought my first girlfriend home to see my mom — they ate each other. Arkonian females are a mystery to me, which is perhaps why I’ve taken refuge on this planet.

P.S. The Killers suck. They would have been ground into powder on my home planet and used to de-ice driveways. Listen to Skepticism’s new album, Alloy. It will destroy you.