Ben Carson Presents ‘A (New) People’s History of the United States’

A lot of textbooks like to feed you sanitized versions of American history, but not this one. This is the real deal, the straight talk from a God-fearing, outsider brain surgeon who doesn’t care about the history textbook establishment’s rules or approval. He just wants to get the truth directly to you, students of America! This is: Ben Carson’s A (New) People’s History of the United States. Now, Dr. Carson doesn’t want to brag, but he is actually a very young and spry 300-something years old and has had tea with no fewer than 30 American presidents. His sound judgment was too often ignored by our great leaders, but it did inform this book, his analysis of our rich and unique history. Read on!

The Lost Colony of Roanoke: A strange story, but I have a theory about this one. Obviously the colonists were one of the missing tribes of Israel — I’m going to take a stab and say Issachar — and they were eaten by a bear in the Virginia woods because they didn’t have enough muskets to defend themselves. This is a lesson that American history teaches us again and again: bad things happen when there are not enough guns!

The American Revolution: It all began when John Adams paged me (there were no cellphones back then, remember) and we had a heart-to-heart talk: “Dr. Carson, what do you think about this whole independency from Britain idea?” he asked. “Listen, Johnny,” I told him, stroking my chin. “Taxes should be levied exactly like they are in the Bible, no more and no less. Parliament are taxing a lot more heavily than that, so let’s dump some tea in the harbor.” Oh, also, I suggested that we make the national bird the eagle. They were going to make it a turkey, which still embarrasses me to think about three centuries later. What wusses.

Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr: I’m going to let you in on a little historical secret here. I actually killed Hamilton in a duel of honor! My trusty musket, which I nicknamed “Scalpel,” was a little less accurate than usual that day, but Aaron Burr understood that I was a very important man and took the fall for me. My thoughts and prayers are with him. But now my skill with scalpel is less important to my career than being a bloodthirsty badass! So I’m restoring the truth to its rightful place.

Andrew Jackson: A truly interesting president, that one. Of course today, it’s generally accepted that his legacy was mixed but I would strongly contest the ideas behind  that assumption. Yes, it was mixed, but not as historians have determined. On the one hand, there was the Trail of Tears, which was a proud moment in terms of the use of robust military force to get immigrants Indians away from lucrative land, and a much more important march: that of progress of freedom and real estate! AJ didn’t let political correctness stand in the way of capitalism, and we can’t do so today. On the other hand, the national bank was a really gross misuse of federal power. People’s money belongs where God intended; under the mattress, in mutual funds, or — even better! — safely invested the kind of firearms that will last a lifetime.  Believe me, I shared with President Jackson my misgivings but he didn’t listen, and the next thing you new, you had the Panic of 1837!

The Civil War: Abe Lincoln definitely dialed me up on the rotary phone from the White House kitchen and asked whether it was okay to suspend Habeas Corpus if the cause was good enough. Ending slavery and preserving union are pretty solid excuses for government overreach, so I told him to go right aead and embrace illegal rendition and the expansion of executive powers, just as long as he made sure to stay healthy and strong with the glyconutrient™ supplements from medical supplier Mannatech™, who did not sponsor this textbook. I explained to Abe that there’s no such thing as a war crime.*  I also told him to carry a pistol and grow a pair of eyes on the back of his head, which he foolishly did not do, at great cost to the nation and his own life. However, his legacy remains strong  in the Lincoln Town Car that he invented in the White House garage.

Editor’s note: this section sponsored by Mannatech™

The Progressive Era: Theodore Roosevelt was my favorite President by far. He was a big fan of walking softly and carrying a big stick. I like to talk softly and carry a huge semiautomatic rifle, so we got along smashingly. Teddy was a huge fan of shooting big game, while I enjoy stabbing guys in the belt.* We both took God’s commandment to have dominion over the lesser beasts very seriously, and we adhered to that Holy Word as much as possible; boy, did we have some bloody pious times in that White House! As for the oil barons and the trust-busting, understand that my feelings about obnoxious business magnates are somewhat mixed at the present moment, but I feel that ultimately Teddy did the right thing. If he hadn’t, one of those businessmen might have run for president, and been totally unqualified.

The Holocaust: A tragedy that too many in America were ignorant of. Yet if the Jews had had guns*, this never would have happened. At the same time, it would be very easy for a Hitler-like figure to rise to power, in the United States of America, today.* Just look at how easy it was to mandate health insurance for people with preexisting conditions. That ought to give you pause.

The Kennedy Assassination: If you examine the arc and sweep of history, you see a lot of weak people who failed to act decisively at key moments. We’ve already discussed the lack of foresight that led to the Jews in Europe failing to stockpile weapons.* Now, here at home, I’ve always blamed Jackie for Dallas. I even texted her to tell her this. Let’s face it; if she had been packing heat, she would definitely have been able to figure out exactly where the assassin was lurking  — no great mystery there— and deter him from shooting her husband.

The Moon Landing: The so-called moon landing was definitely staged to distract the nation from the growing threat of the social welfare state. Can you imagine people actually landing on the moon? It would be as though the Egyptians built the pyramids for any purpose other than stockpiling grain.* It was a very clever ploy, but in the end it didn’t save us from Medicaid and Medicare, Social Security, and finally, Obamacare, which is the worst thing that has happened to this country since slavery.*

Feminism and the Gay Right Movement: The women who fought for abortion rights were like slaveholders* who married Nazis and then decided to assassinate baby Hitler by going back in time. That movement opened the floodgates. Once you had abortion, then a whole bunch of people chose to be gay because they had been in prison,* and they even refused to have transgender-only bathrooms.* It’s a giant mess, to be honest, and I’m not convinced that the ensuing anarchy won’t totally cancel this election* and bring forth the apocalypse. That would be fine for me, children, because I am definitely going to heaven (and so are you if your mummies and daddies vote for me!), but it’d be very tough luck for the Muslims and the Jews.