It’s that most wonderful time of the year, when the fires are lit and the eggnog is out — and we get to break out our highly scientific Stereotyping™ method and apply it to the year’s most prominent records. Here is what your favorite album of 2015 says about you, according to said method. As ever, it’s all in fun, meant to be taken lightheartedly, and our stereotypes are there too.
Adele — 25 Suburbanites who buy one CD a year and have no use for The Spotify.
Father John Misty — I Love You, Honeybear Sex-positive indie dudes who will “sensitively” dry-hump you from behind at a show.
Mac DeMarco — Another One Sex-positive bros who will insensitively dry-hump you on the subway.
Justin Bieber — Purpose Quietly avowed poptimists.
Carly Rae Jepsen — E*MO*TION Loudly avowed poptimists.
Ryan Adams — 1989 People who have spent years trying to train themselves to be avowed poptimists.
D’Angelo and the Vanguard — Black Messiah Music journalists who made their best-of-2014 lists too early.
The Weeknd — Beauty Behind the Madness Condo residents who boast that the awful coke they overpaid for is “the shit,” but won’t share.
SOPHIE — Product Art-school kids who overuse the word “conceptual.”
Alex G — Beach Music Introverted dudes with surprisingly strong Tinder games.
Earl Sweatshirt — I Don’t Like Shit, I Don’t Go Outside Sullen types who neither like shit nor go outside.
Jamie xx — In Colour People who would have bought Portishead’s Dummy 20 years ago for its dinner-party potential.
Joanna Newsom — Divers Perpetual gifted children.
Grimes — Art Angels People who really enjoyed 2012.
Neon Indian — VEGA INTL. Night School People who really enjoyed 2010.
Courtney Barnett — Sometimes I Sit and Think, and Sometimes I Just Sit People who do their dishes once a month.
Lana Del Rey — Honeymoon Benzo enthusiasts.
Muse — Drones People who still think that 1984 best describes the impending tech dystopia.
Future — DS2 Doctor shoppers.
Beach House — Depression Cherry People who loved Bloom.
Beach House — Thank Your Lucky Stars People who loved Devotion.
Vince Staples — Summertime ‘06 Veteran hip-hop heads who are enjoying the renaissance of “real rap” immensely.
Tame Impala — Currents People who pretend not to like the Grateful Dead.
Sufjan Stevens — Carrie & Lowell People whose empathy with this album runs so deep that you’re kinda scared to ask why.
Destroyer — Poison Season Dudes who look and act like the guy from Inside Llewyn Davis.
Chvrches — Every Open Eye People who recently disposed of a sizable stash of Mast Brothers chocolate.
Sleater-Kinney — No Cities to Love Older millennials whose escape plan involves the Pacific Northwest.
Björk — Vulnicura People whose breakups can be described as “dramatic.”
Drake — If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late People who describe their own breakups as “dramatic.”
Kelela — Hallucinogen People who use the word “thirsty” a lot, though never in reference to beverages.
Miguel — Wildheart People about whom the word “thirsty” is used a lot, though never in reference to beverages.
Arca — Mutant People who frequently quote album reviews aloud and ace their queer theory classes.
Oneohtrix Point Never — Garden of Delete People who frequently quote album reviews and rarely leave the house.
Blur — The Magic Whip Middle-aged denim jacket wearers who can’t believe Britpop was 20 years ago already.
Shamir — Ratchet Kids who are always out till sunrise but are somehow still fine for work a few hours later.
Bob Dylan — Shadows in the Night Long-time subscribers outraged that this only landed at #49 on Rolling Stone’s best of 2015 list.
Joey Bada$$ — B4.da.$$ Nas fans.
Miley Cyrus – Miley Cyrus and Her Dead Petz Wayne Coyne.
Fetty Wap — Fetty Wap Martin Shkreli.
Various Artists — Hamilton: Original Broadway Soundtrack Upper West Side progressives who feel guilty about not actually liking the Kendrick album.
Jenny Hval — Apocalypse, girl Members of multiple reading groups (don’t called them “book clubs”).
Holly Herndon — Platform Media studies majors who own several books by Douglas Rushkoff.
Julia Holter — Have You In My Wilderness Someone you thought was cool at high school but never knew that well because she spent all her time in the music department.
Kendrick Lamar — To Pimp a Butterfly Non-contrarians with ears.