Reader Services: How to Throw a Holiday Party for Culture Vultures

If you’re anything like us, you spent last week imbibing copious amounts of milk-based cocktails, dancing to “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree,” and making out with individuals whose business cards mysteriously found their way into your wallet. It’s finally holiday party time!

But what if you’re hosting this year’s big fete? How do you make your shindig the most culturally relevant and au courant event of the season? After the jump our tips for throwing the most 2008 party your friends and colleagues have ever seen — which may or may not be a good thing.

1. Give everyone an Auto-Tune at the door and listen to the sweet music unfold — or just use this handy starter kit.
2. Offer to bailout guests from their alcohol mortgages. Drink the remainder of their beverages.
3. Invite Bill Murray. No seriously.
4. Hire Ashton Kutcher to take photos with a Nikon camera. Fearing that Punk’d has been revived by MTV, your guests will suddenly be on their best behavior.
5. Use this pick-up line: So, what’s your Gmail theme?
6. Play only Bon Iver’s For Emma, Forever Ago, ensuring that only bearded sad-sacks — aka, the kind of people who would spend three months in a remote cabin in Wisconsin — have a good time.
7. Hire James Frey as your party intern to drive traffic to the event. Send him out for beer. Do not ask him to fact check the guest list.
8. Serve dishes made from this buzzed-about cookbook.
9. Do illegal things until a lady cop arrives. Blast “Mrs. Officer” by Lil Wayne.
10. And finally, when you’re ready for bed, get one of your friends to create an over-the-top distraction (we recommend something involving nudity and/or vomit), and then institute party-wide layoffs.