World to Descend into Chaos as Johnny Weir Wears Tweet-Powered Brooch to Kentucky Derby

The end times are nigh — or are they neigh? As in, the neigh that should erupt from the nose and mouth of an enraged horse who is running for its life at the Kentucky Derby, which is where ice skater and capital-T-P Television Personality Johnny Weir will don a “tweet-powered” brooch while reporting on the event for NBC. Joining Weir and his brooch will be joined by what’s sure to be an absolutely tremendous hat, as well as maybe Weirs’ oft-co-host Tara Lapinksi.

What, exactly, is a “tweet-powered brooch”? Well, it is a brooch — in the shape of a galloping horse — which moves and illuminates according to the amount of and frequency of tweets that contain the hashtag #TheWorldIsDead  #WatchMeNeighNeigh. When more people tweet, the horse will glow brightly and begin to gallop faster, spurred on by the love and admiration of the public. Conversely, when the tweets stop coming in, the light goes away and the horse stops, dead from lack of attention, virtual or otherwise. It’s then that Weir will most likely discard this brooch, inanimate yet full of potential, an icon of our world’s strong shift toward validation-as-reason.

If they aren’t tweeting about you, do you matter? For this poor little brooch-bound horse, the answer is likely to be “no.”

The Kentucky Derby airs May 7. Plenty of meat-and-bones horses will be running for their lives on that day, but there’s nothing we, the public, can do to help them survive. There’s one horse that we can help to victory, though: please, for the love of fake animals everywhere, tweet #WatchMeNeighNeigh on May 7.