1. Transformers: The Last Knight (June 23)
IN A NUTSHELL: To be fair, the trailers for the new Transformers film have easily been the year’s funniest short films, handily housing anything on Funny or Die for sheer volume of lolz, intentional or not. But the fact of the matter is this: the Transformers movies are loud, lumbering, humorless, sexist, hyper-caffeinated, over-edited, grotesquely overlong, maddeningly puerile swill, in which a line of shitty ‘80s toys and the cartoon series created to sell them are somehow repurposed into three-hour epics positively Bergman-eseque in their solemnity. I don’t blame the success of this series for our current cultural stupidity. But they’re symptomatic as hell.
WOULD RATHER: The immediate symptoms of arsenic poisoning include abdominal pain, vomiting, brain dysfunction, and watery, bloody diarrhea. Over the long-term, individuals poisoned with arsenic can experience cancer, heart disease, numbness, and death. And yet, knowing all of that information, I’d still rather drink a big ol’ steamin’ cup of arsenic than watch the new Transformers movie.
But hey, get excited about whatever you’re excited about. Happy viewing!