7. King Arthur: Legend of the Sword (May 12)
IN A NUTSHELL: Much like Spider-Man, here’s a goddamn thing they can’t get right, but that’s not gonna stop ‘em from trying. Anybody else remember King Arthur, Antoine Fuqua’s rat infestation of a 2004 adaptation, which even Clive Owen and Keira Knightley couldn’t breathe life into? No, just me? Okay, how about First Knight, in which a woefully miscast Richard Gere and a – well, perfectly cast Sean Connery took up the swords of Lancelot and Arthur? Yep, it was terrible too. In fact, I’ll go this far: the only good King Arthur movies are Monty Python and the Holy Grail and Excalibur, and even the latter isn’t a home run. But yes, sure, I’m quite certain charisma void Charlie Hunnam and Guy fucking Ritchie have the skeleton key for that lock.
WOULD RATHER: Finally sit down at the shredder and take care of all those goddamn credit card mailings we didn’t ask for.