2. The Emoji Movie (July 28)
IN A NUTSHELL: Joining The Angry Birds Movie in the tradition of “Why wouldn’t you go pay money for a movie about shit on your phone” comes this wacky animated comedy from the director of a direct-to-video Kung Fu Panda sequel and a direct-to-video Lilo & Stitch sequel, in which Sofia Vergara voices the flamenco dancer emoji and Patrick Stewart voices the poop emoji. Sony landed this hot property after a fierce bidding war, resulting in a reported “seven-figure deal.” In related news, fuck movies.
WOULD RATHER: Head down to the closest biker bar on a Friday night in my best polo-and-khakis combo, turn off the jukebox, call them a bunch of cranked-up longhairs, and get stomped in the crotch for a half hour or so.