We always assumed that hip hop and men’s figure skating were like two ships passing in the night. And then we saw Olympic Gold Medalist Evan Lysacek’s hip hop debut, “Figga Please.” In what may be the best ode to men’s figure skating since “What Would Brian Boitano Do?,” Lysacek (OK, so it’s actually Brooklyn performer Don McCloskey) manages to make terms like triple salchow and triple lutz sound totally street.

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Mike Daisey is known for his Spalding Gray-style tour de force monologues that recall personal experiences in a social and historical context, tackling such wide-ranging topics as the financial meltdown, the corporatization of the American theatre, and his time working in customer service at Amazon.com. For three new live productions, Daisey trades his solitary table and glass of water for a talented cast of actors to craft a radio program in the mold of Orson Welles’ The War of the Worlds— except, this is billed as the go-to program for “Masons of the 3rd Order and higher.”

We met up with Daisey and his alter ego to talk about the shifty masons, former presidents, powerful business men, and even an Ayn Rand musical about libertarianism and female submission. Learn about the secret order and drink the Kool-Aid after the jump.

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“Don’t fuck with the Bieb.” This immortal advice comes courtesy of Raaaaaaandy a.k.a Aziz Ansari, who apparently went through a creative scuffle with Justin Bieber during sessions for the Randy/Dave Sitek mixtape. In this video, Randy attacks Bieber for stealing his song “Baby Baby” and chronicles the painful, pistol-waving aftermath of the situation. The short glimpse of the actual Bieber’s videos are stomach-churning, but we’re also treated to hilariously incongruous intimations that he’s a weed fiend. The thought of Justin Bieber bespoiling his squeaky-clean image with a few puffs on the magic dragon seems about as likely as him peeling back his animatronic exoskeleton and revealing himself to be the fourth chipmunk inhabiting a boy-band automaton. Either way, watch the video and see what events are causing Raaaaaaaandy’s mixtape to be delayed for so long.

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We never knew that you could have a bubble wrap fetish… and then we watched Weird Al’s new “sex tape.” As far as these things go, it’s somewhere between a Screech and a Verne Troyer on the gross-out scale. Check out the extremely scandalous footage after the jump, and then someone please explain to us why he thinks that it’s OK to get down and dirty with his socks on. Also: Does it still count as a sex tape if there’s only one person participating?

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We can’t wait for Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland to finally open next weekend. Our friends at Bablegum thought of another film that could benefit from Burton’s re-imagining: Weekend at Bernie’s. Their trailer spoofs many Burton conventions, including his proclivity to work the same people (namely Johnny Depp, his wife Helena Bonham-Carter, and composer Danny Elfman); his obsession with the color purple; and his tendency to make Johnny Depp’s characters over-the-top bizarre. We think it’s a pretty accurate rendition of what he might do with the ’80s classic.

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You can run into anyone in New York. With this premise in mind, Tim Curcio and Nick Ross (Upright Citizens Brigade, CollegeHumor) created and star in “Old Friends,” a comedic web series about high school acquaintances who are reunited in their late 20s after a run-in at a New York park. But, it’s not a friendly reunion — Tim’s wife lost her virginity to Nick back in high school and Nick won’t let Tim, or anyone else, forget it. As they become reacquainted, the series takes a humorous and honest look at relationships, sex, and friendly competition. Watch the pilot after the jump and visit our friends at Babelgum to check out seasons one and two.

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Oh, silly, pretty Demetri Martin. Somehow you manage to make the relationship between Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson appear even more homoerotic than we already thought it was. We don’t care if you’re jumping around in circles at the prospect of getting laid by a pair of tarts — we’re not falling for it. Like these ice skating siblings, you cannot deny your forbidden love.

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In Forgetting Sarah Marshall, rock star Aldous Snow was a hilarious car-wreck of stereotypes: the schmaltzy, world-savior lyrics of Bono, the rock-star public persona of Tommy Lee, and the sexual prowess of Wilt Chamberlain (judging from the ridiculous quotes in his Playboy interview, the John Mayer no-filter quotability comparison also wouldn’t be far off). Russell Brand was so memorable as the British maniac that Judd Apatow signed him on for Get Him To The Greek, a spin-off reintroducing Brand as the Infant Sorrow lead-singer and Jonah Hill as the awkward devotee introduced to the rock-star world of debauchery, responsible for getting Snow to a triumphant anniversary show on time.

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When James Cameron and ex-wife Kathryn Bigelow were both nominated for best director Oscars, it was a great storyline: former lovers still socially entangled by separate devotions to their craft. Now, some genius has uncovered the video that should be required viewing for anyone remotely interested in this years Oscar race.

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Pee-wee Herman is experiencing a moment of pop-culture ubiquity. He has a new stage show going on in Los Angeles and Conan O’ Brien used the character’s naivety to deconstruct the entire late-night fiasco, along with some help from Optimus Prime, a hirsute giraffe, and a peacock that had lost its mind. With yesterday’s release of the new Apple iPad, the eternally innocent Pee-wee has made a video introducing the newfangled device to his skeptical friends in Puppetland. With the help of Conky, Magic Screen, and Globey, Pee-wee manages to completely undermine the usefulness of the new device. The short clip includes quick jabs at the double-entendre of the iPad’s name, mention of its inability to run two programs at once, and a well-placed tampon-geography pun. It also hints that Pee-wee’s having an affair with Steve Jobs.

Watch after the jump to see what Pee-Wee settles on as the best use for the iPad.

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