Celebrities: they’re just like us. That is, they make New Year’s resolutions and promote them on Twitter whether any of their friends care or not — though, to be fair, they probably have more friends who do care than anyone else you know. And of course, just like our own New Year’s promises, some of these celebrity resolutions are thoughtful and from the heart while others are meant in jest, and many fall somewhere in between. Whether revealing a dream to stay alive forever, a need to pare down, or a staunch resolution to make friends with a lion, and whether completely tongue-in-cheek or sweet and sincere, click through to read fifteen of our favorite celebrity New Year’s resolution tweets, and be sure to let us know your own resolutions in the comments. As for us, well, we resolve to stop looking at Twitter so much.

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Editor’s note: Welcome to The Fug Report! Each week our fashion blogger friends Heather Cocks and Jessica Morgan, the sartorial geniuses behind Go Fug Yourself, will feature some of the most memorable looks of the week in this space. We hope you enjoy it!

This week, on Go Fug Yourself, we admired Katy Perry’s new bob, but gave the thumbs down to Leann Rimes’ Muppet-colored poncho. We worried that Lea Michele was thinking about hooking up with Ashton Kutcher, and wished that Bea Arthur would return to this mortal coil to smack some sense into her. We gave big love to Zoe Saldana, and even bigger love to Michelle Pfeiffer. We put Kate Bosworth in a head-to-head battle with Kirsten Dunst, and did the same for Shenae Grimes and Jessica Stroup. Only one of those girls went to a party wearing a bathing suit, but you’re going to have to come by to find out who.

In the wake of an uninformed tweet regarding Joe Paterno’s dismissal as Penn State football coach (which has since been deleted), Ashton Kutcher, who in many ways was one of the first celebrities to fully embrace and harness the power of Twitter (not to mention, hit one million followers), has made the interesting decision to turn over the reigns of his account to his handlers. “While I feel that running this feed myself gives me a closer relationship to my friends and fans I’ve come to realize that it has grown into more that a fun tool to communicate with people,” he writes. “While I will continue to express myself through @Aplusk I’m going to turn the management of the feed over to my team at Katalyst Media to ensure the quality of its content.” Are you at all surprised by this news given the serious nature of his gaffe? Do you think Kutcher’s eight million followers will stick around if he’s no longer technically running the show? [via THR]

1. The New York Post reports that Demi Moore is officially ending her six-year marriage to Ashton Kutcher after he allegedly had sex with a 23-year-old woman in his room at the Hard Rock Hotel in San Diego last week. Do you think that there’s any truth to this rumor?

2. In other celebrity relationship news, a source tells PEOPLE that Saturday Night Live costars Fred Armisen and Abby Elliott, who began dating last year, have broken up. We can’t help but wonder if this means that she’ll finally get booted off the show.

3. What do you think of Cindy Sherman’s new house in the Hamptons? The 10.2-acre waterfront property — which cost the famed artist a reported $4.65M — is just down the road from the former home of Jackson Pollock. [via Curbed]

4. Roman Polanski comes close to apologizing for sexually assaulting a then 13-year-old Samantha Geimer in a new documentary that premiered at the Zurich Film Festival this week, saying, “She is a double victim: my victim and a victim of the press.” The filmmaker was on hand at the festival to accept a lifetime achievement award that he received back in 2009, but could not collect at the time due to his legal troubles. [via Telegraph]

5. Last night Roger Waters stopped by Late Night With Jimmy Fallon to perform “In The Flesh” — with the Foo Fighters as his backing band — in honor of the late night show’s Pink Floyd week. Watch a video of it here.

Bonus Buzz: 10 Things You Didn’t Know About Tim Allen

1. For reasons unclear to us (OK, not really, it’s a paycheck), the lovely Judy Greer has joined the cast of Two and a Half Men. She’ll be playing the role of Ashton Kutcher‘s soon-to-be ex-wife. [via Vulture]

2. This drawing — which was recently purchased by a couple in Britain for $2,463 — might be the only full-length portrait of Vincent van Gogh in existence, making it worth millions.

3. In a recent interview with members of the Outlawz, the hip-hop collective confirmed that they really did smoke some of Tupac Shakur’s ashes at a beach-side memorial for the star because they were inspired by a lyric from “Black Jesus.” [via NME]

4. Apparently when Steven Soderbergh retires from filmmaking, he plans on becoming a full-time painter. “I’m interested in exploring another art form while I have the time and ability to do so,” he told The New York Times. “I’ll be the first person to say if I can’t be any good at it and run out of money I’ll be back making another ‘Ocean’s’ movie.”[via Deadline]

5. You know you’re in trouble when David Arquette is arguably the biggest name in your Dancing With the Stars lineup; personally, we’re the most excited about watching Chaz Bono dance it out with Nancy Grace. [via Deadline]

Bonus Buzz: 20 Pieces Of Jewelry Inspired By The Internet

Editor’s note: Welcome to The Fug Report! Each week our fashion blogger friends Heather Cocks and Jessica Morgan, the sartorial geniuses behind Go Fug Yourself, will feature some of their favorite looks of the week in this space. We hope you enjoy it!

This week on Go Fug Yourself, Zoe Saldana looked crazy… and then undid the damage by looking awesome. Also looking awesome: Helen Mirren, hero of women all over the world for being a senior citizen and still legitimately sexy. Speaking of sexy, J Lo tried to seduce a bunch of fruit, Jennifer Love Hewitt made love to a jumpsuit, and Ashton Kutcher is apparently opposed to sexiness in any form at all anymore. We decided that if a look doesn’t work on Johnny Depp, it’s never going to work for a schlub like John Mayer. Also: Anne Hathaway wore a doily, we took a look at Jennifer Garner’s suspicious attempts to conceal her baby bump, and we examined the new posters for The Secret Circle. It’s magic!

1. The Weeknd has released his second mixtape, Thursday, for free download. It comes out a mere five months after his mysterious debut, House of Balloons.

2. He’s an actor, producer, and activist, but it turns out Ashton Kutcher isn’t much of a journalist. After guest editing a special online issue of Details, he may be investigated by the FTC and/or SEC for plugging companies he invests in, including Flipboard, Foursquare, and Airbnb. [via New York Times]

3. Lady Gaga will open this year’s MTV Video Music Awards. She made the announcement yesterday, via a banner in Times Square during an appearance on MTV to debut her new “Yoü and I” video, and let the Little Monsters gathered outside the network’s studios read it on the air. [via Billboard]

4. Congratulations to Danny DeVito, the Emmy- and Golden Globe-winning actor who — finally! — got his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame yesterday. [via E!]

5. End of the Rainbow, a play about the life of Judy Garland that’s a hit in London, is on its way to Broadway. The show will open April 3rd, after a trial run in Minneapolis and two weeks of previews. [via PopWatch]

Bonus buzz: 89 Things I Learned at the Gathering of the Juggalos

Welcome to “Trailer Park,” our regular Friday feature where we collect the week’s new trailers all in one place and do a little “judging a book by its cover,” ranking them from worst to best and taking our best guess at what they may be hiding. This week, we’ve got ten to show you
— everything from new Soderbergh and Clooney movies to, yes, a film adaptation of a board game. Check ‘em all out after the jump.

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1. Today in real headlines that read like Onion headlines, Shia LaBeouf is making a documentary about Marilyn Manson. In an interview on Live with Regis and Kelly, LaBeouf he described their meeting: “He lives in West Hollywood above a liquor store. There’s no lights in the room. And there’s sort of these big metal doors and he opens the door and he’s in a big pink kimono. It’s sort of like a lair. No lights, so you have to use your cellphone to guide you around.” [via NME]

2. Jonathan Rhys Meyers, most recently known for starring as Henry VIII in The Tudors, was hospitalized this week in what may have been a suicide attempt. The actor is thought to have taken alcohol and pills. After he refused treatment, paramedics called in the police to take him to the hospital. [via Vulture]

3. Actor and anti-child sex slavery activist Ashton Kutcher has an official start date for Two and a Half Men: August 1. The new season will debut September 19 — and hopefully won’t be terrible enough to ruin Kelso for us forever. [via TV Squad]

4. Francis Ford Coppola has named his new, partially 3D, supernatural thriller Twixt and will debut portions of the film at Comic-Con on July 23. Dan Deacon, who created the score, will be on hand “to help demonstrate the viewing experience,” which we assume/hope means he’ll be performing the music live. [via Deadline]

5. The final episode of Glenn Beck‘s Fox News show aired last night, and critics didn’t exactly throw him a going-away party. David Zurawik at the Baltimore Sun pretty much spoke for everyone in describing Beck’s performance as “quiet, banal and kind of pathetic.” [via The Hollywood Reporter]

Bonus link: Watch Beyoncé surprise some young fans with a dance party at a Harlem Target

We have to imagine this is a pretty bizarre week to work at the Village Voice. For one thing, the alt weekly’s staff union is on the verge of a strike and has set up a Tumblr where they’ll publish content during the protest. As if that weren’t enough stress, now Ashton Kutcher is totally flipping out at them. Here’s the short version of a long story (that merits reading up on in more depth): Kutcher and Demi Moore are behind the Real Men Don’t Buy Girls campaign, which works to end child sex slavery, in part by shaming guys who would pay to sleep with underage girls. Yesterday, the Voice – which has often been criticized for its reliance on escort ads — published a cover story debunking Kutcher’s (and much of the mainstream media’s) claim that there are 100,000-300,000 child sex slaves in the US.

Now, the actor has taken to Twitter, where he boasts over seven million followers, to tell the Voice that “REAL MEN DON’T BUY GIRLS and REAL NEWS PUBLICATIONS DON’T SELL THEM” and warn them, “I’m just getting started!!!!!!!! BTW I only PLAYED stupid on TV.” As we type, the paper is firing back to question Kutcher about why he deleted a (fairly innocuous-sounding) tweet that said, “i’m up now. been up.” To be continued…