A Very Potter Sequel and 5 Lost Literary Musicals

If you cried while reading the last Harry Potter book, then you probably shouldn’t see Toy Story 3, you’ll just be a wreck. You should, however, see A Very Potter Sequel. Lightning (scar) strikes twice for the talented team of U Michigan students at Starkid Productions as this new musical defies pathetic muggle social constructs such as linear time and “not singing in everyday life” by turning back the clock and giving the Death Eaters a chance to kill the boy wizard before he grows up to defeat Voldemort (Who Shall Not Be Named).

With book by Matt Lang, Nick Lang, and Brian Holden (who also scores major cross-genre points for Team Jacob with his convincing portrayal of Remus Lupin) and music & lyrics by Darren Criss (Harry Freakin’ Potter himself), this sequel delivers all the hilarity of the first installment and demonstrates admirable growth for the young team.

The massive success of A Very Potter Musical and its new sequel have definitely caught the entertainment world’s attention, so we’ve decided to look through our old files and see if we had anything to ride this wave with. Conveniently, we stumbled upon a folder entitled “Failed pitches for parody musicals based on popular books.” See, everything in life DOES happen for a reason!

Here’s what we discovered.

Communist Manifesto: The Mu-Sickle!
Everyone will think it’s going to be another revolutionary struggle snorefest, but here’s the kicker — it’s actually about the secret love story between Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels! With the influx of musicals focusing on homosexual issues, this will be a huge hit! Songs will include: “Red Hot For You,” “Gotta Have Class,” “Only The Bourgeoisie Know How To Be On Top” and the show-stopping ballad will be “Love: It Works Better In Theory.”

The Sound (and the Fury) of Music
When I think Faulkner I think family fun! He might as well change his name to William Family Fun! Am I right or am I right? So here’s what happens — Addie Bundren will be like Julie Andrews, except in a coma. For the big fish-transformation scene we have the whole cast come out as… wait. Shit, that’s As I Lay Dying isn’t it? Oh no! But I already ordered handmade oil-soaked fish costumes sewn out of actual fish from the Gulf! Darn! OK whatever, we’ll just call it As I Lay Miserables. Now it’s perfect.

Exodus 2: 11-12, The Passage Where Moses Straight-up Kills A Guy When No One Is Looking: The Musical
That’s pretty much the whole idea. There will be a lot of tap dancing, obviously.

To Kill a Mock-yeah-ing-yeah-Bird-yeah
Move over Ragtime, Memphis, and FELA!, there’s a new racially-charged musical in town! The old white way better be ready to reassess its pasty performances when faced with the side-splitting hilarity of a man being wrongfully accused for a horrific crime because of the color of his skin. Even the ‘Boo’ Radleys out there, leading pitiful reclusive lives, will be rushing to the box office for this knee-slappin’, foot-tappin’, over-priced extravaganza. The actual plot is still “tentative,” but just imagine a big closing number where the entire South comes together and realizes that maybe we’re not so different after all. The critics will eat it up!

The Great CATSby
Think of the Internet. Got it? Good. Now think of everything that is simultaneously awesome and detrimental to the minds of our nation’s youth on the Internet. Are you seeing it? Great. What do you see? Do you see musical theater and great English literature? Absolutely not. Do you see adorable animals doing human things inadequately? Yes, yes you do. This musicals is the only hope for “real art” to survive. Actual live cats with human voices dancing and singing on stage. Some featured numbers will include “The Meowing ’20s,” “Whiskers and Whiskey,” and “Cat Fights In The Pool With Guns.”

The individuals who wrote these pitches were immediately fired upon submitting them.

Watch a clip from Act 1 of A Very Potter Sequel below, and leave a comment with a book you think should be transformed into a musical. We’ll do our best to exploit it for our own benefit!