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What If The Expendables Were Women?

The Expendables opens today, and if you didn’t know already, it’s an action movie that features a leather bag brimming with bundled cash, a helpless woman with an accent, and lots of bad-ass dudes dressed in black running around killing other men lesser than themselves. Sylvester Stallone directs the cast of scowling veterans — whose average age must be around 50 — in a film that is sure to be about exactly what it looks like it’ll be about. We, however, wondered if this movie would be doing better with critics if the male action superstars were replaced by their female counterparts. Click past the jump to witness the possible genesis of The Expendables II.

1. Sylvester Stallone replaced by Sigourney Weaver

Sigourney Weaver is no stranger to violent conflict. Whether it’s a ferocious alien or an entire swarm of them, Weaver’s been there and done that a couple of times. You can count on her to lead when survival seems unlikely.

2. Jason Statham replaced by Linda Hamilton

Although not the most emotionally stable heroine out there, Hamilton can focus when objectives need executing and worlds need saving. She’s someone you want angry with you, not at you.

3. Jet Li replaced by Zhang Ziyi

Graceful, lithe, supple — all these adjectives are used to denote someone capable of striking in unanticipated ways, at unpredictable times. In Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Ziyi proved she possesses these lethal attributes in abundance.

4. Dolph Lundgren replaced by Milla Jovovich

The star of The Fifth Element, The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc, and the Resident Evil series, Jovovich is familiar with every kind of warfare from the Middle Ages through to the distant future. That degree of battle experience is a rare quality, and is sure to make one cold inside.

5. Randy Couture replaced by Angelina Jolie

As the female equivalent to Indiana Jones, no quest is too daunting for Angelina Jolie. Whether the task requires physical endurance, creative problem solving, or simply lots of bullets fired in the direction of evildoers, Jolie is the triple threat you want on your team.

6. Steve Austin replaced by Kate Beckinsale

Before Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, or even Stephenie Meyer arrived on the scene, Kate Beckinsale had already collected an impressive array of werewolf pelts. The Twilight Saga ultimately did better than the Underworld series because Beckinsale’s breed of vampire was too hardcore for tweens.

7. Terry Crews replaced by Naomie Melanie Harris

Perhaps known best for killing zombies in 28 Days Later and as the goddess Calypso in the Pirates of the Caribbean series, Harris knows how to handle herself in the company of both monsters and men.

8. Mickey Rourke replaced by Uma Thurman

When it comes to physical confrontation, attitude is everything. Those without it generally lose, and those who possess it generally win. Uma Thurman, however, makes even the winners look like cowards devoid of style.

9. Bruce Willis replaced by Chloe Moretz

You can’t star as a vigilante named Hit-Girl in a film titled Kick-Ass and be a softy. Sorry, but it’s logically impossible. Although Moretz is still quite young, she’s seen enough bloodshed that Barbie dolls and Ke$ha no longer hold any interest.