The Terrible Pop-Song Relationship Advice Hall of Fame

Over the summer, we listened to the radio a lot, and we began to notice something: Most pop songs offer really terrible advice. Any intelligible lyrics that aren’t advising you to move your ass a certain way are usually shouting out instructions that, if you follow them, will probably ruin your life, plunge you into huge amounts of debt, or lead to a guest appearance as an alcohol-poisoned extra on The Jersey Shore. And, in particular, most of the solutions offered for wooing a lady or dude seem, well, pretty disastrous. We’re not sure Dr. Phil would ever advise you to “get your drunk text on.”

Not to get all Tipper Gore on y’all — we feel that Usher should be able to tell you to do stupid things with abandon — but if you want to start or stay in any sort of healthy relationship, it’s probably best to ignore the things that Lady Gaga is crooning in the club. After the jump, check pop songs’ worst advice about love and sex.

On dating techniques and the differences between classes: “In the Summertime,” Mungo Jerry

This is a staple of every oldies and classic rock station from about May to August — and why not? The tune is jaunty, the seasonal glorification relevant, and the whistling pretty darn catchy. But if you listen closely, Mungo Jerry has some pretty terrible, Tucker Max-level advice on how to score those “women on your mind.” And it doesn’t just end with the ill-advised, “Have a drink, have a drive, go out and see what you can find”:

If her daddy’s rich, take her out for a meal
If her daddy’s poor, just do what you feel
Speed along the lane
Do a ton, or a ton and 25
When the sun goes down, you can make it
Make it good in a lay-by

This seems to lack a bit of finesse in the courting department, if you know what we mean. We’re not even sure what a ton and 25 are, but we would guess that you shouldn’t do it.