If Neighborhoods Were People

Lapham’s Quarterly recently posted a thought-provoking question on its Tumblr. (Yes, this highbrow journal does have a Tumblr.) “Every city has a sex and an age which have nothing to do with demography,” wrote the critic John Berger. Now, Lapham’s has invited readers to reblog their post and add a personification of a city. We heartily endorse their project, but since all New Yorkers are hyper-local types, we thought we’d apply Berger’s maxim to the neighborhoods we know best. Some of our ideas are literal, others are more impressionistic, and they’re all absolutely subjective. Play along and personify your city, town, or neighborhood in the comments.

Lower East Side: Immigrant grandma, strong and full of stories, but weary from gentrification
Little Italy: A tourist searching in the hot sun for an “authentic” Italian ice
Chinatown: A kid playing basketball on a broken-down court in a public park
East Village: Joey Ramone, reincarnated as a Japanese NYU student
West Village: An aging but still distinguished, impeccably literary, gay man about town
Chelsea: Well-muscled middle-aged man with designer shoes, on his way to a club with a one-word name
Financial District: A slumped-over master (or mistress) of the universe, hair still thick with ash and hands that will never be clean
Murray Hill: A girl who, within the last year or so, has spent a lot of time in frat houses and/or Irish pubs
Midtown: A young man with slicked-back hair and a shirt made with synthetic fibers, looking to get laid
Times Square: A grizzled 50-something, alcoholic porn addict, trying desperately to clean up his act
Upper West Side: An ageless couple, perpetually watching Woody Allen or reading Philip Roth
Upper East Side: A deeply tanned woman in a pink Chanel suit who is beginning to resemble her poodle
Harlem: An unsung hero of jazz, playing a tiny, packed club at four in the morning

Park Slope: A sturdy mother in her late 30s, double-wide stroller and novel by a Jonathan in tow
Prospect Heights: An affable five-year-old, trailed by a scruffy puppy
Williamsburg: A wispy androgyne clad in plaid and neon
Greenpoint: A proud Polish papa with a statement mustache
Bushwick: A bright, young thing who’s just moved out from Michigan, collection of odd instruments in tow
Carroll Gardens: A 30-something Italian butcher who’s taking over his dad’s shop and promoting it via Twitter
Brooklyn Heights: An old-school patriarch in autumn
Bed-Stuy: Biggie Smalls
Sunset Park: A bowling champ who also makes a mean tortilla soup
Brighton Beach: A grandmotherly woman who wears a fur coat but cooks so well you forgive her for it
Coney Island: The freak from Shoot the Freak

Long Island City: A paint-splattered art student and secret graffiti superstar
Astoria: A young, Greek playboy, drinking a frappe at a café
Forest Hills: The mother of the Bat Mitzvah girl, kvelling and making college plans
Elmhurst: Movie theater ticket taker by day, Bollywood diva by night