In the interest of full disclosure, the last time we watched anything with the word “apprentice” in the title Omarosa was the face of evil, a model from Deal or No Deal couldn’t be considered a celeb because that show didn’t exist yet, and real employees sat at the conference room table with Donald Trump — not his cow-eyed children. But for some reason (a lethargy-inducing hangover) we were compelled to tune into last night’s season premiere of The Celebrity Apprentice and it’s a good thing we did, because our favorite contestant was eliminated in the very first episode. To avoid spoiling things for the DVR set, we’ve placed the ten juiciest quotes from said contestant after the jump. If you watched, feel free to chime in with what you thought of season debut in the comments.
1. “Joan’s doing the show. Melissa’s doing the show. Did they over cut the umbilical cord? Melissa’s like 56 years old already. Let it go.”
2. “All kidding aside, everyone here is a champion in their field. You are the kings of the universe. Strong. K.O.T.U.”
3. “You know what it is? A lot of us were up all night, like Rodman and myself. We come in there and there’s no bagels, no butter. I know this has nothing to do with the winning, but yet we’ve got to have energy. We come in there and there’s nothing to eat. It’s your fault because it’s your people.”
4. “I’m the biggest stand-up comic in history. Nobody ever to do this day has sold more tickets in concert than myself.”
5. “I’m not a baker. It’s not the kinda guy I am. I didn’t want to put the hat on and look stupid. I’m from Brooklyn. I can’t have my friends in Brooklyn lookin’ at me in that hat. You know what I mean? I just can’t do it. It’s like a rule. Don’t look like a jerk off.”
6. “Alright. You want me to admit it? I don’t wanna make cupcakes. I hate making cupcakes.”
7. “What we wanted to go with was an old school type — a cupcake that everybody would like. Chocolate fudge on the top with the yellow cake and just some sprinkles to keep it company.”
8. “When she took the bite of my cupcake, her eyelids went up. And her eyebrows went up. She didn’t do that with Melissa’s cupcake. We win. That’s just the way it is.”
9. “I don’t believe in baking. I never did. I had to almost invent a job for myself. I became almost a jester to keep everybody moving. But as far as actual work, and the cupcake making… I mean, I’m a comic. For me it’s natural to make people laugh. You know what I mean? And so I’m entertaining. Can you imagine being under a guy who turns into John Travolta for you? [In John Travolta voice] I can’t believe how good this feels. Or Sylvester Stallone? [In a Sylvester Stallone voice] Hey, can you pull your legs back a little more? You know what I mean? Can you do that? You can’t even do that and you’re Donny Trump.
10. “I am good with ideas. I’m somebody who has branded myself. Something that you’ve been talkin’ about, which sort of bothers me a little — and not to take away from Dennis’s celebrity — but you know, I’m the only guy sitting here to sell out Madison Square Garden three times. I’m the only comic to sell out every arena in this country you know over and over again. Because I wasn’t baking, I wanted to be used to the best of my ability. Which is, you know, get on the air and promote today’s charity event.”
Bonus: “You know how to cook? If I get fired, you wanna go out tonight? Get a bite to eat? I’m the nicest guy.”