Flavor Flav announced last week that, since the flavor of love apparently remains elusive (we assume), he will launch a new line of flavored vodka and a fried chicken franchise (though we hope there will be no vodka-flavored chicken or vice versa). He’s not the first celebrity to go beyond perfumes and clothing lines and into the heady world of alcohol branding. From vodka encased in a crystal skull to Marilyn Manson’s unfortunate-sounding Mansinthe, we’ve ranked celebrity poisons in order from most to least disgusting-sounding. You’re welcome.
Liquor Most Likely to Leave You Blind: Danny DeVito’s Limoncello
We have a soft spot for Danny DeVito and his hard-drinking ways, and we love that he turned a joke on The View into an actual beverage. But, in life, there are things you should and should not trust Danny DeVito on. We venture to guess that one is Limoncello, one of those liquors that can go off the charts in terms of stomach-churning sweetness quite easily. Official reactions from the ever intrepid taste-testers at the AV Club included: “There’s a serious Windex vibe” and “It’s like when you open a packet of powdered lemonade and accidentally inhale a little.” We’ll pass.
Liquor You Should Only Use to Clean a Wound in a Pinch: Marilyn Manson’s Mansinthe
The reasons that you should not drink this are many and good: (1) It is a liquor that was already banned for many years due to its potentially poisonous effects, (2) it’s likely that Marilyn Manson wants most of us dead, and (3) You should really not make any lifestyle or fashion decisions after the example of Marilyn Manson. And the kicker: early reviewers claimed that the liquor tasted “like swamp mud” or “sewage water.” Barf.
Liquor to avoid if at all possible: Cam’ron’s Sizzurp
A mixture of cognac and fruit juice — neither of which are in the kind of sizzurp that Lil Wayne drinks, we suspect — this just sounds like a melted slushy that’s slightly alcoholic. We believe this was only consumed by hapless rappers and their entourages, but unless you love that melted popsicle taste, we would suggest you steer clear.
Liquor you should only drink if it’s free and you’re already drunk: Jermaine Dupri’s 3 Vodka
Unfortunately, we have had personal experience with Dupri’s 3 vodka — a liquor that he was so impressed with that he immediately became a partner in the company. It’s soy-based and heavily flavored — it has the flavor of an overripe pear, and though it’s not really possible, it seemed somehow mealy. It’s better than Four Loko — but not by much.
Liquor That You Should Probably Hide When Company Arrives: Vince Neil’s Tres Rios Tequila
No doubt that Vince Neil knows how to get his drank on — no member of Mötley Cröe would be allowed in if they didn’t — but eep, tequila is a tricky beverage. Several taste testers claimed that it was “surprisingly smooth” and even “a good tequila for casual drinkers.” Other complained that it was “unpalatably bitter” but after a few shots it didn’t really matter — the magic of liquor. So, sure, why not. You could do worse.
Liquor that looks suspicious but has potential: P. Diddy’s Ciroc Vodka
Reports of P. Diddy’s Ciroc are mixed — from “very smooth with little burning” to “fine for mixing.” Not bad, per se, but maybe not the number one choice for your vodka martini. Diddy does know his luxury brands, after all.
Liquor we tried hard not to like but failed: Dan Aykroyd’s Crystal Skull Vodka
It seems sort of unnecessary to filter vodka through crystals — it’s unclear how much that actually adds to the taste — but our favorite Ghostbuster’s liquor is shockingly good. Clean and crisp and with, as one reviewer put it, “a refreshing aftertaste that I imagine tastes like ghost,” Crystal Skull might not pass the vodka snob’s test — there is a little bit too much chalk in there somewhere (probably all the crystals) — but it’s pretty great.
Liquor that just makes sense for an artist to produce: Willie Nelson’s Old Whiskey River Bourbon
Nelson’s small batch bourbon is actually pretty delicious — as we hoped any liquor that the legendary country star produced would be. He apparently was pretty involved in the process of making it — tasting the batches, we imagine, was a big part. But it’s a fairly good bourbon, if a tad expensive, and the least disgusting liquor on our list.