Ok, so it’s Halloween morning. You just woke up in a pool of Pinot and pumpkin guts, and don’t even remember bringing your jack-o’-lantern to bed.
No big deal — your dignity will grow back in a few days. But what is a big deal is that tonight’s costume bash starts at 8 p.m. and you still haven’t devised a terrifying and/or ironic getup. Adding to the challenge is the fact that you have no time to shop around because you’re stuck in your cube squinting at Excel spreadsheets all day.
But quit fondling those worry beads — Flavorwire is here to help. Using some common items that likely are lying around your apartment this very second, you can pull together a costume that will make all the slutty nuns and sad superheroes sorry they went for pre-made numbers at Party City.
Let’s stop wasting valuable candy corn-chugging time and get to it.
If you have Ray-Ban Wayfarers, you can dress up as:
Bernie Lomax from WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S
Step 1. Don shades.
Step 2. Prop yourself up against a wall.
Step 3. Fall over periodically.
OR
VAMPIRE WEEKEND at Bernie’s
Steps 1. & 2. Same as above.
Step 3. Add plastic fangs or tie a sweater around your neck.
Step 4. Drive the ladies bananas.
OR
RICK ASTLEY
Step 1. Button your top button.
Step 2. Cut out this mask and put on your Bans.
Step 3. Don’t let anybody down.
If you have a copy of the New York Times, choices include:
Olympic Torchbearer
Step 1. Light newspaper on fire.
Step 2. Run.
Step 3. Find dude in MICHAEL PHELPS costume.
Step 4. Hand off torch.
OR
Member of the Liberal Elite
Step 1. Tuck newspaper under your arm.
Step 2. Walk slightly faster than everyone around you.
Step 3. Ask for location of the nearest voting booth.
OR
Puppy During Housebreaking
Step 1. Use your imagination here, people.
If you have a cell phone, scare your friends by transforming into any of the following:
Drug Dealer from Third Season of THE WIRE
Step 1. Answer phone by saying, “Yo, where’s the re-up?”
Step 2. Decline collect call from Hamsterdam.
Step 3. Throw phone on ground after use.
OR
Your Mom
Step 1. Hold phone close to face and tentatively press buttons as if expecting device to explode.
Step 2. Ask how to check your voicemail.
Step 3. Leave phone at home before going anywhere.
OR
Teenager on Family Vacation
Step 1. Mimic receiving a text message.
Step 2. Stare at phone in disbelief.
Step 3. Start to cry.
Step 4. In between sobs, say, “We have to go home — Reggie just dumped me for Courtney.”
You’re welcome. If you have any costume suggestions for last-minute lazy bums, drop them in the comments.
Happy Halloween!
- Chris Diken
Related posts: 10 Culture World Icons Who You Should Not Dress Up As This Halloween
Comments (11)
oh man, if only i had seen this list earlier! instead, i picked up various dirty laundry scattered around my floor, and have successfully (if hungover) assembled jennifer beals in flashdance. yes, i own that many leotards.
Step 1. Print up a number of slips of paper (or index cards) that read, “Please say Umberto.” Prepare as many slips as the number of people you expect to ask what you’re dressed as, as you will be wearing no apparent costume. (If desired, professorial attire is appropriate.)
Step 2. When someone asks what your costume is, hand them a slip of paper. Encourage them to follow the instructions. (Ideally, they will say simply, “Umberto.”)
Step 3. Say aloud, in a fading voice, “Umberto, umberto, umberto, umberto…
You are, of course, Umberto Eco.
These are much better than the time I squirted white puff paint onto the chest of an ugly brown sweater and went as a Hostess cupcake.
to rawksavvy: i did that a few years ago… you may have slightly better timing but my sad experience was that noone in williamsburg thought i was in costume! too many leggings in this city… but not so many weekend at bernies, yeah???
Another idea from the Wire…
D’Angelo Barksdale
Step 1. Run around screaming, “Where the f*&% is Wallace, String?!”
Step 2. Have a friend murder you.
Step 3. Have said friend make it look like you hung yourself with a belt.
anna: that is my only fear! i almost scrapped the whole thing and went as a monkey, but then miguel beat me to that, too: http://flavorwire.com/?p=1370
Yet another:
UNDERWEAR GNOME
Step 1: Steal underpants
Step 2: …
Step 3: Make profit
and another
SMARTIE PANTS
Step 1: Buy a bag of smarties candy
Step 2: tape candies to pants
Step 3: use really esoteric vocabulary and transmogrify voice pitch
[...] Go read the rest. [...]
Carry around a giant bag of candy, and whenever anyone asks, just give them a bunch and tell them to stop asking so many questions. Maybe refer them to your website. Your costume? Political candidate.
Tape a toothbrush to your forehead. You're a toothbrush!
As son as somebosy starts asking you something and u are drinking a glass of water, throw the glass of water on him and tell him to keep hia mouth shut or visit this http://tinyurl.com/klys48
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