Remember When? If not, You're Probably over 27

A professor out of the University of Virginia today announced some rather dismaying findings: your mind begins a marked decay at age 27. This is much earlier than many scientists had previously thought, and indeed way sooner than most of us had hoped or were prepared for. An equally troubling bit of news: your mental peak is likely reached at only 22. That’s when most of us are using that precious brain space just to get into other 22-year-olds’ pants! Of course, we should take into careful consideration the fact the doctor behind all of this, one Timothy Salthouse, is likely super old. So who knows how cognizant he was when he published this study. Based on these findings, after the jump we round up some other dubious intellectuals, long over this newly imposed “hill.”

John Norris, former MTV News correspondent: Because we needed some explanation for the wet rat on his head.

Scarlett Johansson, starlet: We’ve doubted her acting abilities for a while now; perhaps we should just give her the benefit of the doubt. She’s past her prime and going senile.

Joaquin Phoenix, faker: We don’t really think he’s going crazy because he’s getting old. We think he’s crazy to think anyone is buying it. Because he’s old.

James Frey, “author”: Finally! A better reason than “drugs” for that mess.

Zack Snyder, director: In 2007 he was ranked #25 on Entertainment Weekly‘s “50 Smartest People in Hollywood” (haha!). But since then, he’s directed Watchmen and turned 43.

Shaq, Tweeter: First Shazam, now Twitter tag in malls. Will the madness never cease?

All right, who else? Throw your defamations in the comments. And feel free to nominate yourself. We’re feeling a bit brain-farty this morning, too.