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Design on TV: Inside Serena van der Woodsen's Boudoir

Last night’s Blake Lively appearance on Letterman (in which she naturally made jokes about demolishing his freshly minted marriage) got our brains in a twitter. Besides reminding us that Leighton Meister is the less skanky of the ice cream cone-gnawing pair, it also got us to noodling on S’s bedroom on Gossip Girl.

You see we recently had an epiphany about S’s boudoir. Like her outfits, the room is oddly spangly, strangely old, and inappropriate in the daytime. Don’t get us wrong, it’s very pretty — just a little vacant (just like Serena). And it also mumbles out of the side of its mouth whenever speaking.

For example, since S often appears to be ancient enough to have spent time clubbing at Studio 54, every pillow in her room is covered in shiny gold sequins. The show’s production designer Loren Weeks told In Style, “Her room shows a confident, eclectic mix of funky new and classic vintage items. I wanted it to express her character: effortlessly beautiful and self-assured.” Yes, because when we were teenagers, we were also self-assured enough to have our mother hire a decorator who would turn our room into a frilly coke-den. Because when you’re running around murdering people after blow parties, you need a calming metallic palace to come home and do your homework in.

Of course, if the argument is nature vs. nurture it’s clearly Mama Lil that’s to blame. Her pristine apartment is a Where’s Waldo of design trends. Crinkle vase on the console table, check. Classic Eames recliners chairs upholstered in super-spendy Missoni fabrics, check. Prada, Marfa artwork, double check. Just this week she was buying some sort of post-modern Rothko-hued, Jackson Pollock ripoff from an equally trendy employee (who had dated her faux-Gin Blossoms-style boyfriend).

That’s the taste of a former photographer and extremely privileged floozy who dated Trent Reznor to be sure. We’d love it if our mother curated our apartment with snakeskin-covered trays and blown up photos of people enjoying the nightlife and what not, but what of darling Serena’s bad decorating years? Isn’t every child entitled to a life of actual printed photos (not eyes covered in glitter), ill-fated band posters and their own stuff? Will she be forced to live in this gilded cage forever? Can’t she frame a photo of her and Sir Danimal somewhere? [Editor's note: Wasn't there one framed pic of them? And they were wearing matching tops? Maybe I just dreamed it.] Must she escape to Brooklyn to indulge her own taste?

So we’re going to do you a favor Josh Schwartz. We’ve got an idea for an episode for next season. You’re going to be light on material, since they’re all flitting off to college, so here’s a little gem. We want an episode where S wants to decorate her own dorm room at school. Lily, of course says no, that she simply must hire someone. In an inspired move (and mainly because for some reason Blair will also be mad at Lily), S hires Dorota, who in our opinion can’t get enough screen time. So Dorota apparently spends her spare time sketching landscapes of the park in pastels. While Lily is at first horrified at the prospect, she sees the talent in their poor overworked maid, and sets up a gallery show in Brooklyn for Dorota. Dorota speaks: “Miss Blair, I cannot steam your headband collection, I have a gallery show.” Blair snipes something back.

GG voiceover, “The thing is sometimes in this town, your maid gets made — in Manhattan.” The gallery opening is a giant success. Dorota can’t decorate the dorm because she’s busy cranking out pastels, and Lily gets her way.

The End.

PS: Why can’t Nate work his own television set? We know his character is designed to only be hair, but really, you mean to tell me he would be unable to use picture-in-picture? Stop.

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