All across Hollywood, things are a-flutter: Gray hairs are being dyed, “escorts” are being arranged, gowns are getting last-minute alterations, meals are being skipped, nominees are trying to decide whether to leave that sonofabitch agent of theirs out of their acceptance speech (5% of net? You tryin’ to bankrupt me, Murray?). Yes, kids, it’s Oscar time.
The Academy Awards Ceremony is this weekend, with plenty of red carpet gawking and awkward interviews at 7pm EST and the big show at 8. If you’ll be watching the show (as we will) and drinking (as we certainly will), we humbly offer up our official 2011 Academy Awards drinking game. Enjoy at your own risk — and make sure to join us here at tonight as we live blog the ceremony.
Take a drink whenever…
someone makes an arm amputation joke. (Two drinks if it’s True Grit-related.)
Tom Hanks is referred to as “classy.”
pre-show host Tim Gunn is passive-aggressively mean to his interview subjects.
anyone is called an “innovator,” a “genius,” or “my best friend.”
a recipient thanks their agent, manager, accountant, or “Operating Thetan.”
Finish your drink if…
Gwyneth Paltrow gets through her entire song without anyone in the room bringing up how much they hate her.
anyone mentions Javier Bardem’s goofy haircut in No Country for Old Men.
Nicole Kidman’s face moves.
presenter Russell Brand wears a subtle, demure, and altogether normal outfit. (Have another if wife Katy Perry does the same.)
Wish 143 wins Live-Action Short Film. I mean, seriously, c’mon, am I right? (Hello?)
Do a shot if…
Hugh Jackman neither sings nor dances.
presenter Halle Berry is introduced as “the star of Catwoman.”
Franco and Hathaway do any of the jokes Ricky Gervais wrote for them.
Gwyneth brings Cee-Lo and the Muppets to perform this song, too.
true to form, presenter Matthew McConaughey appears shirtless.
Finish the bottle if…
Anne Hathaway, tired of all the questions about her Love and Other Drugs nudity, follows McConaughey’s lead and also appears shirtless.
anyone other than Christian Bale wins Best Supporting Actor.
anyone is called a “backstabber,” a “hack,” or “a real douchebag.”
presenter Oprah Winfrey introduces herself to Uma Thurman.
anyone asks presenter Marisa Tomei about that whole “Jack Palance read the wrong name” thing.
Banksy shows his face.