In an effort to seem hip and current (especially since the show’s last two mentors haven’t seen a single top the charts since Lincoln was in office), the theme of last night’s Idol was Top Digital Downloads. No, this is not an April Fools’ Day joke. The judges claim it was a way to let the contestants choose songs that would let their personality shine through. We know it was just a ploy to plug Ryan Seacrest’s lame radio show (that was this week’s Idol field trip from hell).
Plus, giving the contestants free reign to select their material didn’t help many of them. We still got a slew of boring, predictable performances from the likes of Matt Giraud, Adam Lambert and, our favorite bleater, Megan “Corkey” Corkrey. What’s next: Idols sing the depression-era songbook? Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine night? Maybe we could have the contestants sing our favorite TV commercials. Danny Gokey would be awesome doing the McDonald’s filet-o-fish bit.
Alright, time to quit dreaming. Read all about the sad reality of last night in our play-by-play below.
8:00: Apparently, tonight is Big Hair night on Idol. In my earlier years, I’ve been known to go through a bottle of Rave hair spray in one sitting – but Blind, Irahetes, and Adam Lambert are out of control.
8:01: Quick scan of the Idol audience. Sheesh. What a kennel club. It’s like a reunion of the cast of All Dogs Go To Heaven.
8:02: “Last week, we said goodbye to Michael Sarver,” says Ry-Guy with a tear in his eye (I always knew he preferred bears). I say: Suck it Sarver. So glad he’s gone.
8:03: OMG. What is Irahetes wearing? This plaid dress is like the outfit version of an eating binge. She looks about 50 pounds heavier. She is not tonight’s Biggest Loser. Side note: Rounds is sporting another sick weave. It’s an Anna Wintour bob.
8:04: So, the theme tonight is top iTunes downloads. Is this for real? My fifth birthday had a better theme.
8:04: The Idols visit Ry-Guy at the studio of his dumb radio show. “Casey Kasem started this radio show in 1970,” he says. Yeah, that’s probably the last time anyone’s listened to it too.
8:05: I didn’t think the Idol field trips could get worse than last week’s Detroit visit. Boy, was I wrong.
8:06: Anoop is performing first. Can’t hear what he’s singing because my dumb boyfriend is too busy shouting curse words at the TV. Ok, it’s an Usher song
8:07: Usher in the life support: This sucks. And what is the with the Michael Jackson blazer? Idol stylists should be killed.
8:08: Randy: “Your vocals were good considering this isn’t the right song.” Kara says he played it safe and didn’t really do anything new with the song.
8:09: Paula loves the fact he went back to the playful side. What a kiss-ass. Zip it Abdul.
8:10: Simon calls his a wannabe. “It actually gave me a headache.” Sorry Anoop. I hear their casting the Broadway version of Slumdog Millionaire though.
8:11: Anoop explains why he chose the song: “I’m trying to be an R&B artist.” Well, if R&B stands for “really” and “bad,” then he’s got it in the bag.
8:14: What is with the new Osbournes show? Aren’t they all dead of an overdose yet?
8:15: GD Corkey is next. Singing Bob Marley’s “Turn Your Lights Down Low.” I can certainly think of something that needs to be turned down low right now.
8:17: “I wanna give you some love. I wanna give you some good good lovin’.” I wanna give her a good, good punch in the face.
8:18: The saddest part of this is that the song could have been good if she was on pitch. Let’s see what the judges think: Kara calls it irritating.
8:19; Paula’s garbled advice: “At this stage of the competition take us by surprise and dig deep into an area that may not be comfortable but that is where beauty comes from.” Areas that may not be comfortable: Community college lecture halls, Bernie Madoff’s jail cell, Paula’s padded detox room.
8:20: Simon calls it “Boring, indulgent, and monotonous.” Randy says it was like watching paint dry. Yeah, paint with gigantic knockers.
8:21: “I think that my fans were feeling it,” quips Corkey. Again, with the fans. Forget the Coca Cola-sponsored “Real Moments.” She needs a Coca Cola-sponsored reality check.
8:26: Oh God, Hokey Gokey is singing “What Hurts The Most” by Rascal Flats. What hurts me the most is enduring his aw-shucks personality.
8:27: He’s not bad tonight.
8:28: Ouch, he really shouldn’t smile though. His teeth are like Jewel’s. He really needs to so his performances ventriloquist-style with a Danny puppet that has a better smile.
8:29: Paula begins her critique with a weird Evita arms thing. “This is a performance I’d definitely hit repeat in my car.” Yes, Paula. I’m sure in your world many cars have “repeat” buttons. Does she mean repeatedly hit with her car? WTF??!!
8:30: Simon says he thought it was Danny’s best performance so far.
8:31: Randy: “With all that emotion coming out of you, just keep it moving dude.” Kara says “You moved everyone is this room emotionally.” Butcher, pass the ham.
8:32: Irahetes is busting out the guitar this week to do No Doubt’s “Don’t Speak.” I have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that this is going to be really bad.
8:33: Allison’s hair tonight = Tina Turner’s wig from the “What’s Love Got To Do With It” video. Her song is starting off good though.
8:34: Whoops, then we get to the chorus.
8:35: Judges are hating on the outfit big time.
8:36: Kara says the rock ‘n roll in Allison comes out naturally and that the outfit feels forced. Says her performance was good but not her best. Paula says she’s “skating by and going right for the finish line.”
8:37: Simon thinks the outfit looks like something out of the Addams family. Says she “shouted the song.”
8:38: Blind is up next doing Billy Joel. Gag me. If it’s “Piano Man,” I may take a knife to my own heart tonight.
8:43: Singing “Just the Way You Are.” This is going to win the award for most boring performance of the night, I can tell. I might as well just set my alarm clock for five minutes from now.
8:45: Kara thinks he made some smart decisions with song choice and the stripped down arrangement. He totally took a move straight from the Adam Lambert playbook of last week.
8:46: Paula: “Out of all the contestants that have graced the stage, I’m most proud of you. It has nothing to do with your challenge but everything you do that makes me forget that challenge.” Paula’s challenge: Not passing out face down and vomiting on the judges’ table.
8:47: Simon calls it his best performance by a country mile. Really? A whole country mile? Randy says, “One of the best of the night, Scotty.”
8:48: Rounds and Matt G are next. She’s doing a Celine Dion song and the pressure is on. She’s got to nail it tonight.
8:52: Spoke too soon: Matt G is first. Doing the Fray’s “You Found Me.” His pants aren’t as tight as last week, but they’re still pretty damn tight.
8:54: He’s switching his whole performance style up tonight. Instead of sitting behind the piano, he’s standing up behind a keyboard. What a revolutionary.
8:55: Paula says that she appreciates that he went for a contemporary song but feels like he “aborted” the things she liked most about him. Is she allowed to say that word on TV?
8:56: Simon didn’t get it at all. Calls it “uncomfortable.” Not as uncomfortable as Matt G’s pants, I bet.
8:57: Randy, “You’ve got to let all that flava out.” Kara tells him that he needs to commit to rock/pop or R&B. Scan of Matt’s family shows that they’re either really tight with Blind’s relatives or he has a visually-impaired uncle or something. It’s like the Special Olympics on Idol tonight.
8:58: OK, Rounds is next. She’s doing “I Surrender.” My fingers are crossed for my girl.
9:00: Really, really, really bad song. Once she starts belting, it gets better. But WHY would she choose this song? I’m baffled.
9:01: Randy says it was not the best song choice. Kara calls the song “not current.” Rounds’ song choice is like Star Jones’ husband choice: Dramatic and campy.
9:02: Paula wants to see the joy. Just take more MDMA Paula! Simon says it was similar to a wedding performance.
9:03: Awkward moment with Ry-Guy and Rounds’ kids. Annndddd, one of them is now sitting on Randy’s lap. Someone needs to tell this poor girl that just because he’s black doesn’t mean he’s related!
9:09: Adam Lambert is next. Just when we thought we were safe — the screeching is back: And this time, it’s personal. Doing “Play That Funky Music.” Please. God. No.
9:10: This is just gross. Gross.
9:12: Paula compares Adam to Mick Jagger and Steven Tyler. Is that supposed to be a compliment? Who listens to Aerosmith anymore? Simon calls it original.
9:13: Adam gives a corny shout-out to the band. Kara says she can’t wait to see what he does. That’s it. The judges need to go.
9:18: Finishing up the night: Kris Allen. He’s ditched his lame guitar. Playing the piano instead. Doing “Ain’t No Sunshine.”
9:20: Not bad, but not great either. The lady judges sure like it. They’re out of their seats.
9:21: Who’s that tubbo next to Kris Allen’s wife? Rand says it was one of the best performances of the night and calls it “very creative.”
9:22; Kara: “I have three words for you: That was artistry.” Well, at least she can count to three.
9:23: I’m hoping that Corkey gets the ax, but I think Matt G is going home tomorrow. Let’s wait and see.
9:25: Shut the F Up. Lady Gaga is performing tomorrow night? LOVE HER!!!!!!! Can’t wait!