Possibly-Better-Off Missed Connections [Reader Services]

Single readers, it’s that time of the week again — you know, when you can laugh at people who are way more lonely than you’ll ever be — Cultural Missed Connections! In this installment we bring you a few dating whoppers that include but are not limited to: straight love at a Disney musical, an open letter to Jason Schwartzman, and a girl trying to reunite with a guy who was dressed up like a panda at a pillowfight. God bless the New York singles scene.

Fawlty Towers on the F train – m4m
Your were watching an episode on your iPhone….and I was watching over your shoulder but couldn’t resist peeking at you. Too cute.

Agreed. That is too cute.

An Apology to Jason Schwartzman (Brooklyn Pop-Up Market)
Today, around 6:15 or so, I was standing with four of my friends outside the Brooklyn Pop-Up Market when I looked to my left and saw you walking in our direction. While continuing to watch you out of the corner of my eye, I whispered to my girlfriend, “Is that Jason Schwartzman?” She looked over and replied, “Yes, yes it is.” The five of us then began whispering and gawking in a way that seemed to make you uncomfortable. I apologize for setting that off. I normally try to be respectful of people who I recognize from movies, television, or what have you. Clearly, I failed to do that today.

Whispering with your friends when you see a semi-celeb = normal. Writing this post, not so much.

Little Mermaid – Seton Hall Girl – m4w – 24 (Midtown)
We sat next to each other at the Little Mermaid musical…I wanted to get your number at the end, but…i dropped the ball i guess. you were so pretty though..and I liked talking to you and I think you liked me….i just am an idiot. this is totally a long shot, but I hope you find this….

This might be the first heterosexual MC to occur at the Little Mermaid.

Panda Guy at the National Pillow Fight Day on Wall – w4m – 22 (Financial District)
Dear Panda Guy,
I’m so sorry I yelled “Get the Panda!” at the Pillow Fight Day festivities. Who knew that many people would simultaneously whip their bodies in your directions and pummel you with their feather filled weapons as you gasped for air. Who knew it would become a “thing” and the other pillow fighters would yellow it out so frequently. But your delightful hat and the face underneath it looked ever so charming and I couldn’t resist giving it the attention it deserved. I hope you did not walk away with too many wounds, emotional or otherwise. If you feel you can forgive me, perhaps we can be friends and together relish in our love for pandas.
Sincerely yours,
That girl you hate.

This could be the real life inspiration for a mumblecore-style romcom, no?

Monster vs Alien Romantical Movie Moment – w4m
we noticed each other while at the 3d showing of monster vs alien on 14th street… i know this is a long shot, but maybe i thought i could find you again… you were wearing shitty elvis costello glasses — or maybe they were 3d xray vision glasses? either way, you were taking birthday peeks at my friends ample, hairy boobs. it was really turning me on. you noticed me before the lights went out and motioned for me to take my left boob and smack it hard against her right boob. i was confused by you sign language and thought you wanted me to put pizza in my vagina. i left the interior crocodile alligator and drove in my chevrolet out of the theater to get a slice for my slice. i was so s.a.d. sayd when i came back — i missed the whole movie and i wanted to see dat! i threw the pizza at some dickhead and then punched him in the jaw and called him yucky. what else could i do? anyway, i just think we could have had an amazing 2 to 7 minutes in the back of that theater and i’d like to get a second chance at it. you could be my 3- D(eep) Monster, and i could be your jewskinned Alien that tows you right in the potty… maybe you could waiter me on over a baby, deep in my womb… until that day, i’ll be dreaming about banging you on a trampoline and kicking you in the balls like a naughty policeman…

This had to have been created using MC Mad Libs. Right?

Sunshine Cinema _Saturday Night – m4w – 32 (outside the theater)
hi, i was with a date, you probably were too, but you were so cute, i wish i was with you. that’s all for my cheesy rhyme, if you want to hear more, contact me and we’ll have a great time. haha

How to Lose a Girl in 7 Seconds.