Exclusive: What’s Your Financial Horoscope?

In an oddly New Age moment for us (Tax Day does funny things to people), Flavorwire consulted astrologist Kiki T (author of The Celestial Sexpot’s Handbook) about the current mess our economy is in. We thought since she can predict what the planets have to say about l’amour, maybe she can tell us what the fate of our 401(k)s will be. Being as Kiki was very accurate about “the potential” of our new President, pre-election, on national television we wanted to see what she thought about how we should handle our stimulus package.

I’m a Gemini who just got laid off but hated his job anyway. What’s next for me?

Chill out. This is your time to get more intimate with yourself, to sort out what you truly want. As an air sign, your brain is always whirling about in an electrically charged storm and unless you really settle down to focus your A.D.D. self, you won’t get any answers. Astrologically, you have the planet of transformation in your house of secrets, so this is your time to figure out what truly makes you tick and go for it.

I’m a Libra who lost my job and now I wonder if it’s cool to ask out that cute girl from Human Resources.

Yes, you’re the sign of partnership and if anything is going to save you from yourself, it’s someone else. Libra men have that special charm to land ladies that want to baby them, solving your unemployment/no cash flow problem too.

I’m an Aquarius who’s actually doing pretty well financially. Is there a condo and a trophy wife in my stars?

Hell yes. You have the series of eclipses happening in your identity and partnership sectors, so anything may be possible in those areas. If something didn’t give last February, then this August may be your lucky time. As for real estate, June 1st-July 12th is your best time to find what you need.

I’m an Aries who’s entire department got laid off except for me. Should I ask for that raise since I now have triple the workload?

If you’re an Aries, chances are you couldn’t hold your fire and have already asked. You are way ahead of everyone and because of this, you’re still employed and totally worth your raise. If you haven’t asked, wait until the 23rd to ask. It’s a week past the Venus retrograde in Aries and it’s a Thursday, the day statistically when people are more prone to say, “Yes.”

I’m a Leo who’s downsizing his company. Should I lose the people that cost me the most or just the ones who annoy me?

The ones that annoy you are costing you the most.

I’m a Sagittarius who is thinking since the world’s going to hell anyway why not chuck it all and go to clown college?

Sign up today. Sagittarians are optimists that thrive on taking risks and living out the absurd. One adventure always leads to another.

I’m a moody Cancer and my boyfriend just lost his job. He’s become an uber-mooch. How do I lose this black-hole of a commitment?

Like I have to tell you how to nag, whine and sound angry? Honey, do what you do best and it’ll drive him away like he thought of it.

I’m a Machiavellian Scorpio scheming to somehow steal my manger’s title, salary and wife. Are my evil schemes cosmically aligned?

No, this is the kind of mentality that always gets you in trouble — haven’t you learned your jealousies will get you nowhere fast? Be a little more original, rather than go after sloppy seconds, it’ll be worth it.

I’m a Pisces and all this recession crap is a bummer. Who should I surround myself with that will cheer me up?

Pisces is the sign of vices and escape. In times like these, you have ample excuse to load up on whatever makes you happy and hang out with whomever will have you.

I’m a slow moving Taurus trying to get on the fast track to success Any suggestions?

Working smart, not hard is possible when Mars is in Taurus and that’ll happen on June 1, continuing to July 12. This is the best time to be in groove with your best self and come up with a plan to make a hobby profitable. Work you love won’t feel hard and will motivate your naturally. Torturous work is only for those who lack imagination.

I’m a Virgo workaholic who has no time for a life (especially now). Can the planets point me in the right way?

Your job is your life, make peace with that now and be a lot happier. Then, hook up with someone you work with. You are at your best when you’re multi-tasking. If you’re one of those confident and entitled Virgos, go for a superior.

I’m a Capricorn that just can’t seem to get a break these days. How do I get my luck to change?

Start spending money to make money. This isn’t your time to be cheap, as that is your fatal flaw — the perpetual fear of never having enough, but unless you shake up the energy around you, the rut won’t end.