Welcome to “Trailer Park,” the Friday feature where we collect the week’s new trailers all in one place and do a little “judging a book by its cover,” ranking them from worst to best and taking our best guess at what they may be hiding. This week, we’ve got a whopping nine new trailers, featuring everyone from Jason Statham to Miss Piggy to Antonio Banderas (twice). Check ‘em out after the jump.
There was a time, not too long ago, when we actually wondered if there was a possibility that the Footloose remake wouldn’t be terrible. Not because it was necessary (God forbid any movie from the ‘80s that made more than twenty bucks doesn’t get a remake), or even because the original was any good (c’mon, separate yourselves from the nostalgia, you can do it), but because of co-writer/director Craig Brewer, who previously helmed Hustle & Flow and Black Snake Moan. This is a guy who knows how to make a gritty, modern-day musical — and who knows, maybe he did again. But based on this trailer, let’s just say we have our doubts. Strong, clear doubts.
Puss In Boots
I don’t know about you, but I’ve barely slept a wink in the year-plus since Shrek the Fourth, which was cruelly dubbed “The Final Chapter” of that venerable series by DreamWorks. Those monsters! Where is one to get one’s fill of obvious pop culture references and sub-Pixar computer animation? However, it seems that the studio (which, come to find out, likes making money after all) has decided to exploit what we’ll call the “X-Men loophole” — i.e., even when you make what is supposedly the final film in a series, you can churn out more product by creating prequels or spin-offs for supporting characters. Puss in Boots is both. And — as if I could handle any more good news — it’s in 3-D! ZOMG. Anyway, right, the trailer: No laughs, the end.
Title notwithstanding, this is not a remake of the 1975 Sam Peckinpah thriller. What’s not clear is whether this trailer is some kind of elaborate joke. I mean, they’re not using Scorpions’s “Rock You Like a Hurricane” seriously, are they? Or really saying lines like “The gloves are off” and “This ends today”? This is a stealthy parody of bad action movies, yes? No? This is a real movie? Well, I must say, I’m disappointed in you, Clive Owen. Statham, I gave up on you years ago; this is exactly the kind of borderline self-parody nonsense you seem to have surrendered yourself to. And DeNiro obviously never met a paycheck he didn’t like. But Clive, you did Children of Men and Closer. You were in The Bourne Identity and Inside Man. And now you’re rockin’ a porno ‘stache in a C-level Statham vehicle? Know your value, dude.
Conan the Barbarian
“When a barbarian feels thirst,” we are told in this trailer’s final voice-over, “it is a thirst for blood.” Well, then, that barbarian should feel plenty refreshed by the end of this red-band trailer, which gives us stabbings and be-headings a-plenty, along with a fleeting glimpse at some good ol’-fashioned barbarian coitus. This August release is, of course, a remake of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s 1982 breakthrough film (see earlier comment about ‘80s remakes), though it appears that 300 may have made a few trips to director Marcus Nispel’s Netflix queue as well. Neither influence excuses the horrifying musical accompaniment, though — who the hell is that, Limp Bizkit?
Ah, so this is what the writers of The Hangover were doing instead of cranking out the beat-by-beat-remake screenplay for The Hangover Part II. This bank robbery comedy doesn’t exactly look groundbreaking — even if the trailer didn’t seem to give away the whole movie, we’re pretty sure we could tell you how it comes out — but it’s got a few laughs, the supporting cast (which includes Tim Blake Nelson, Jeffrey Tambor, Pruitt Taylor Vince, and Rob Huebel) is promising, the ladies (and some of the fellas) love Mr. Dempsey, and we haven’t seen Ashley Judd in a while. So it has some potential, let’s say.
Captain America: First Avenger
The front half of the second trailer for July’s big superhero epic isn’t all that different from the first — a CGI-shrunk Chris Evans as a 98-pound weakling (okay, a 90-pound asthmatic), Tommy Lee Jones as the gruff military man (of course), Stanley Tucci as the brilliant scientist (of course), and the experiment that makes Evans into a hero. In the second half of this new trailer, we get a better idea of what he’s up against: HYDRA, “the Nazi deep science division.” Okay. Color us intrigued. There’s no denying that the retro feel and stellar action are pretty thrilling; maybe the superhero genre has gotten a little frosty this summer, but this might just be the picture to thaw it out.
The Skin I Live In
Luckily for Antonio Banderas’s career (or at least his credibility), Puss in Boots is not his only upcoming picture — there is also The Skin I Live In, the latest chapter in his long and fruitful collaboration with the great Pedro Almodovar. This gloriously nutso international teaser doesn’t bother dispensing the first clue as to what the movie is actually about; it is more interested in how it looks and feels, loaded with moody flashes and fetishistic details that have got us chomping at the bit for more.
After three fairly clever fake-out spoof teasers, we’ve finally got a full-on trailer for the new Muppets movie, penned by Jason Segal and Nicholas Stoller (who got the gig based on their puppet-heavy Forgetting Sarah Marshall). And maybe it’s the nostalgia factor, maybe it’s the dearth of family movies worth a damn (even Pixar’s got a stinker this year), maybe it’s our unapologetic crush on Amy Adams. Whatever the reason, we’re out of our minds excited about this movie.
A Dangerous Method
The story of Freud and Jung. Screenplay by Christopher Hampton (Dangerous Liasons). Starring Viggo Mortensen, Michael Fassbender, Keira Knightley, and Vincent Cassel. Directed by David Cronenberg. Where do we sign up?