American Idol Recapped: Tough to swallow, huh Adam?

Holy mole-y! Last night’s Idol had more unexpected twists than a Sidney Sheldon novel — and many of them served as a refreshing shake-up in a competition that’s become increasingly coma-inducing over the past few weeks. Matt Giraud and his forehead growth (let’s call him Mattais, shall we) were sent packing in the only one of our predictions that struck gold. But the BIG news is that, after months of wishin’ and hopin’ and prayin’ on our part, Adam Lambert was finally put right where he belongs: The bottom two. Suck on that Ads! We seriously hope this means the rest of America is becoming as sick of his howler monkey vocal stylings and cheap dramatics as we’ve been since February.

Another contestant served a big fat dose of humble pie: Kris Allen. He placed third from the bottom, leaving the top two spots to Danny “Hokey Gokey” Gokey and Alison “Irahetes” Iraheta. We didn’t think little Irahetes had such a loyal following but we stand sublimely corrected. Now, if we can just get through the rest of the season without another one of HG’s relatives croaking we might be able to get rid of him too.

Read all the juicy details of last night’s show below.

8:58: So, just to recap: Methinks the bottom two will be Matt G and Irahetes. No, I don’t think she deserves to be there. But I also don’t think America has a whole lotta love for her.

8:59: Oh, and Taylor Hicks, Jamie Foxx, and Natalie Cole are performing tonight. Can’t say I’m looking forward to any of those performances but perhaps I’ll be pleasantly surprised.

9:00: Creepy montage from last night. It looks like the trailer for American Idol 8: This Time, It’s Personal.

9:01: Some advice to Ry-Guy: Make sure you’re lit from the front, not from above. He was looking a little like Skeletor there for a second. He tells us that 45 million votes were cast last night.

9:02: Ry-Guy asks Simon what he thought after watching the playback from last night and Simon responds by saying this is “the most open competition we’ve had.”

9:03: Ford video shows contestants in black zip-up track jackets against a really low-budge psychedelic background. I guess Ford’s in worse financial trouble than we all thought.

9:04: Group number is a weird mash-up of “I Don’t Need A Thing” and “I Got Rhythm”. Irahetes starts while the boys do a weird snapping thing. Kris Allen looks touched.

9:05: Adam’s coif has been tamed into fifties-style side part.

9:06: I must say that this has been one of the less painful group numbers. I think they were actually on key — and while singing live too.

9:07: Apparently, you can “win a chance to hang with the Idols on the set of a Ford music video.” What they’re not telling you: You’ll be serving as the key grip. Hey, times are tough.

9:09: The previews of Glee have been slowly winning me over these past few weeks. I think I may actually tune in on the 19th.

9:10: Oh God: Video of contestants baking a cake for Hokey Gokey and Irahetes’ birthdays. Matt G and HG start a food fight. Those rascals!!!

9:11: This is really sad. Some poor woman from El Salvador is going to have spit shine the floor of that kitchen because of their shenanigans.

9:12: Ry-Guy presents HG with a joke bill for the cleanup service. He must have read my mind.

9:13: YES! Results time: Matt G is on the block first. Ry-Guy moves him to the right side of the stage. Hmmm, intriguing.

9:14: Moving onto HG: Ry-Guy asks him how he changed his style based on past critiques. HG spouts off some garbage about how he studied other performers to take his own performance to the next level. Ry-Guy moves him to the left side of the stage. Uh-oh: Matt G is totally in trouble.

9:15: Irahetes is up next. Ooooh, she’s moving to the left with Danny. Is she safe?

9:16: Kris Allen’s fate: Moving next to Matt. I guess Adam Lambert will totally determine which side is the top three. Well, he must be safe if there’s only a bottom two.

9:17: Ry-Guy asks Adam what group he thinks he belongs in. Adam points to HG and Irahetes. What a cocky sonofabitch. SHUT UP: Adam Lambert, Kris and Matt G are the bottom three. This is AMAZING! What poetic justice! Tough to swallow, huh Adam?

9:18: I CANNOT believe what I’m seeing. “I wish you could all stay together like the Rat Pack and we’d declare it a five-way tie,” babbles Paula. Yeah, right. That’s about as plausible as Paula giving up that little plastic sippy cup of “Coke” that gets her through each episode.

9:20: After asking Kara if she’s surprised that Adam is in the bottom three, she responds with: “My mouth went open again. That’s what happens with Adam.” Randy blushes at the innuendo. This is sick.

9:24: Natalie Cole is onstage. I guess she really is still alive. I was thinking Irahetes might be doing an “Unforgettable”-style duet with black and white footage of her from the eighties. She’s singing “Something’s Gotta Give”.

9:25: She looks really thin [Editor’s note: That’s because she’s dying you dolt. I saw it on Larry King.] and I can’t tell if what she’s wearing is a dress or just a gold satin trash bag with a belt.

9:26: Something’s gonna give alright: My gag reflex.

9:28: After the performance Nat and Ry-Guy chat and she totally gets the Academy Award foreign language film winner treatment as the band plays over the last parts of her speech. Sorry Nat, but we’ve got some results to get to.

9:30: Gossip on Natalie Cole: My friend Lauren calls in to tell me that NC performed at a theater where she was working and demanded that there be no broccoli anywhere near her. Relax and get some Beano Nat. Apparently, she also slapped the assistant stage manager at this theater.

9:32: Just when I thought the performances couldn’t get any worse Taylor Hicks takes the stage.

9:33: Benjamin Button alert: Taylor Hicks is like the opposite of Peter Pan. Instead a perpetual little boy, he’s constantly an 103-year old man.

9:34: In comparison to the other past Idol contestant performances though, he really doesn’t sound that bad.

9:35: Wow. Definitely not as painful as I thought it would be.

9:36: Note to Taylor: Don’t talk about how you starred in Grease on Broadway. It makes you seem even lamer than you actually are.

9:37: Ry-Guy calls Matt G, Adam, and Kris to the center of the stage so he can send one of them back to safety. I bet it’s going to be Adam. NOOOOO WAAAAAAYYY. Kris is safe and Adam is BOTTOM TWO. This is seriously better than Christmas morning people.

9:38: It’s now down to Matt G and Adam. I think it’s curtains for Matt G, but I’ve been wrong about everything else tonight so hopefully I’m wrong about this.

9:42: J Foxx is performing his new single.

9:43: I have a suggestion for Jamie: When you’re lip-synching, it’s never a good idea to point the mic at the audience when the vocal track is still going.

9:44: He’s got some TI auto tune going on. Why you frontin’ J Foxx?

9:45: Now there’s some other dude in sunglasses on stage with him?

9:47: After the performance Ry-Guy asks J Foxx about his experience mentoring the contestants. “No matter who wins, these people are true artists,” he responds. Just like you Wanda. Just like you.

9:51: We’re back from commercial and it’s Judgment Time. I’m on the edge of my seat. Matt G looks really worried.

9:52: Adam is safe. Matt G is gone. OK, not how I would have liked to have seen things unfold but I’m still stoked that Adam was in the bottom two.

9:53: Matt G montage reveals a tragic video of him as an 11-year-old homosexual angel in a school production. Seems like Mattais didn’t show up until later.

9:54: I’m kind of choked up right now. I’ll miss Matt and Mattais.

9:56: Yeah, Matt totally got shafted. His performance was pretty good. Producers cut to two girls swooning over Matt in the audience. Newsflash ladies: The gay angel vid says it all.

9:58: We wrap things up with some words of encouragement from Paula: “You’ve got at least 40 million fans waiting for you to do something great.” Ummm, not quite Abdul. We already determined that 45 million votes were cast. If Matt had 40 million fans he wouldn’t be standing there listening the crap coming out of your mouth.

9:59: Next week is rock and roll week with Slash as the guest mentor. Should be interesting! Until then……