Cultural Obsessions: Why We Heart Chelsea Handler

Many opt for a picnic in Central Park as their form of post-work relaxation. For us, there’s nothing more relaxing (read: hilarious) on a warm summer evening than turning on the margarita machine with Chelsea Handler and her “little nugget” in tow, Chuy, on the Chelsea Lately show. Vodka, Are You There? It’s Me, Chelsea is our bedside Bible. My Horizontal Life is our go-to gift — with a handy bookmark placed in the chapter on her fear of fire crotches, natch. After the jump, six reasons why she’s our hero. (For the record, she worships Mariah Carey and Obi-Wan Kenobi.)

1. Chelsea gives good interview. See: the latest of 944 magazine. There are a handful of money quotes here; for starters, she says she wants T.I. to be her BFF (“Mostly because I want to have a friend in prison”). As for who she’d like on her show: “David Hasselhoff, Flavor Flav, and Paula Abdul, all because of their hot-mess-ness quotient.” Not so big on Chelsea’s list: “Spencer [Pratt] and Heidi [Montag] were pitched last week. I told my talent booker to tell their publicists to fuck off.” Another reason to love her.

2. Her acceptance speech at the A-List awards was hilarious. “I’m a little full right now because I just ate Tori Spelling.” Chelsea went on to say that she’d try her hardest to stop telling people Tori looks like a man. Even if it is true.

3. We just discovered that Chuy has a blog. In his “Have you ever …” post, he asks: “have you ever wondered about life? what’s the deal with the moon? what does it do? it gave me light when i cross the border into US at night. Otherwize I think the moon is a big waste of time.” He’s also a closet foodie: “Today I had it. cinnumon Tost crunch. Have you hear of it? it’s best. i eat six bowls a day if they’d let me. we don’t have in Mexico. mi abuela used to crumble old bread and cinnamon and poor water on it, that’s as close as I got until I came to greatest country on universe America! land of cinnumon Tost crunch!”

4. Her take on Maddox Jolie in this excerpt from Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea is spot on: “I rolled over and picked up Us Weekly magazine off the floor. The cover had a picture of Angelina, Brad, and their little Eskimo son, Maddox. I was staring at the photo, wondering why this little boy looks so pissed off in every picture. At first I thought he was just pissed about his Mohawk, but then I realized he’s probably furious. Maddox must have thought he hit the jackpot when some A-list celebrity rescued him from third-world Cambodia, only to discover that she was going to shuffle him back and for the to EVERY other third-world country in the universe. He’s probably like, ‘When the fuck are we gonna get to Malibu, bitch?'”

5.  She enjoys exploiting babies! In celebration of “Gay May,” Chelsea and co. are featuring “big fat gay babies” on her show and Web site. The instructions: Send over your pictures of “a fat nugget baby that you suspect is gay.” We’re this close to adopting one just so we can enter.

6. Finally, Chelsea’s hilarious monologue devoted to her love for little people sealed the deal. That’s when we knew we were in love with her. Watch it below.