American Idol Recapped: The One Where Adam Lambert Reminds Us of Bea Arthur

Let’s hear it for the girl America! After a long, slow, and oftentimes painful death, Alison “Irahetes” Iraheta finally took her last gasps of air on the Idol stage (for the record, this leaves Adam Lambert as the only remaining contestant with a vagina). She was never our super duper fave, but if we had to choose between the lesser of four evils, she’d be it. Now that she’s gone the only thing we really have to look forward to on TV is The Real Housewives of New Jersey (with my recaps premiering next week!!).

The other big story of the evening: Paula Abdul’s guest “performance.” In a season of uppers and downers for Paula, this was, by far, her lowest point. We could literally hear her joints creaking all the way from Los Angeles. She may have been addicted to pain pills, but we’re the ones who really needed the prescription last night.

For all the details on AI’s rock and roll results show, read on.

8:58: Before we begin, I just want to reiterate that I hope it will be Adam (America is sick of him) and Kris in the bottom two.

9:00: Dramatic Idol opening montage shows the judges gushing over GD Adam.

9:01: “Who will graduate from the Idol school of rock and who will just be schooled?” says Ry-Guy.

9:02: Fron the audience, Ry-Guy does his “This…is American Idol” bit. I mentioned last week that when he’s lit from above he looks like Skeletor. Still true.

9:03: Idol Fashion Alert: Adam is sporting a blazer with enormous shoulder pads. Perhaps an “In Memoriam” shout-out to Bea Arthur?

9:04: Disgusting Ford video has the contestants singing and coming stepping out of billboards. It’s very Kids Incorporated. Irahetes kind of looks like Sonic the Hedgehog tonight.

9:05: Contestants’ group number is Alice Cooper’s “School’s Out” with Slash on lead guitar. I think his hair is actually a wig attached to the big hat he’s wearing. He’s totally bald under there.

9:06: In six months, Slash is going to look back on this and want to commit suicide.

9:08: “Paula hits the stage next,” announces Ry-Guy. Yeah, face down.

9:12: Ry-Guy askes top four what results nights are like for them. “This is the time I’m usually asleep on the stage,” says Hokey Gokey. How funny: His performances are the time I’m usually asleep.

9:13: “I didn’t expect to be here,” says Kris. Neither did we Kris. Neither did we. Adam tells Ry-Guy that this was his favorite theme week.

9:14: Hokey Gokey admits his final note from last night sucked serious ass. Calls it his funniest moment on American Idol. It wasn’t so funny for us, HG.

9:15: “Paula is now gracing the Idol stage tonight,” says Ry-Guy. Gracing or disgracing?

9:16: Abdul performance begins. When it was announced that she’d be performing, I pictured her to be dancing like a marionette on puppet strings.

9:17: Um, yeah. She’s really singing. Riiiiiiiight. When Britney pulls this shit we love it because it’s Britney. When Abdul old does it though, it’s totally tragic.

9:18: She’s totally cruising for a nip slip. Seventy-year-old boobies are about to come flying out all over the place.

9:19: “Gentleman, I’m just here for the music,” she says at the end. So cheesy!

9:24: “The most undeniably happy place to be is on stage and there’s no other place to be,” says Paula. Just lock her up now, please.

9:25: No Doubt is up now and Gwen blows live. She sounds like Carol Channing. And the drummer looks like The Joker.

9:26: Why is Gwen is doing push ups on stage? Maybe Crunch hired her as their spokeswoman to help get them out of the hole.

9:27: Dude, Gwen just body-checked some girl in the audience on her way back to the stage but manages to sidestep a chunky, fifty-something man enthusiastically mouthing along to the lyrics. This is uncomfortable.

9:29: “You guys are launching a big tour and yet you don’t have another album, what gives?” says Ry-Guy. Way to ask the hard-hitting questions Ry.

9:33: Abdul’s dress is backless tonight and it ain’t pretty people. The three contestants that survive tonight get to be hometown heros.

9:34: Footage of past contestants going back to their home towns. You can totally tell they were all such losers pre-Idol.

9:35: Ry-guy tells us that finalists swill be announced in random order.

9:37: Ry-guy will sends one of the four to safety. And……it’s Kris Allen. Dang it!

9:38: I’m shocked. I totally thought he stunk last night. There’s another hottie in the audience tonight – this time with Kris’ family.

9:42: Please don’t tell me we have to listen to Daughtry before we get more results. Yes, we do.

9:43: Lame footage of Daughtry from season five highlighting the “surprising” Idol elimination when he got kicked off. Perhaps a foreshadowing of Adam’s demise?

9:44: Tonight we have to hear the first single off their new album, called “No Surprise”. It’s no surprise I want to kill myself right now. This song will rock dentist’s office across America.

9:46: Instead of writing anything right now (because I REALLY don’t care whether Chris Daughtry lives or dies) I think I’ll just got pour myself some iced tea.

9:48: I’m back and still ambivalent about Daughtry. I almost wish I hated him more. At least I’d be feeling something right now. Am I still alive?

9:49: Ooooh Randy: Don’t stand up. You’ve got a nasty secretary’s spread. When Ry-Guy asks Daughtry about getting kicked off Idol, he says, “At first I felt the world was going to end, but then I got over it 30 seconds later.” Awkward.

9:50: Plaque commemorating Daughtry’s album selling five million copies is presented to Chris. That’s not much of an achievement considering 60 million people voted last night. They could only get 12 percent of those people to buy their dumb album?

9:54: We’re back. Please let’s get to some results!! Twenty minutes later and we’ve still only established that Kris is safe. Second person in top three is Adam. Oh, no. Poor Irahetes is gone tonight, I think.

9:55: If HG’s sad story saves him, I’ll kill. And….it did. This is so awful. I can’t believe Irahetes is going home.

9:56: Irahetes flashback is putting tears in my eyes. And hers.

9:57: America, you suck. “Are you ready to rock this joint,” asks Ry-Guy. She’s probably more ready to blow up this joint.

9:58: Kara, sit down you beast. You said the nastiest things about her last night.

10:00: Adam is now officially the only hope for the girls. Until next week.