Sloane Crosley’s Travel Advice for Non-Travelers

Sloane Crosley is the editor of this year’s edition of The Best American Travel Writing, which is out today, and features essays by William T. Vollman, Gary Shteyngart, and other notable authors. If you’re not familiar with Crosley’s writing, you should check out I Was Told There Would Be Cake and How Did You Get This Number — two books of personal essays that will make even the most hardened cynic chuckle.

To honor her new editing gig, Crosley wrote some key travel tips for those who are vain, budget-conscious, and notoriously lazy. So get ready to take a short tour of the area outside your neighborhood; you will need some walking shoes and the illusion that you are elsewhere.

If you can’t sleep, which I often can’t, pretend you’ve been on a 12-hour flight in Coach Class. Add the works — someone kicking your kidneys, a crying baby, an armrest hog, a person in front of you who seems to have a different understanding of the physics of his seat than you do and demonstrates his special understanding by leaning on it as if it’s a brick wall when he gets up to go to the bathroom… then pretend that for no discernible reason you have been upgraded to First Class. Just yanked on up there. Business Class? Um, no, I said “First.” Only the best for you.  Pretend that your muscles have just been allowed to relax, that you’ve been granted the legroom of your dreams and that it’s quiet because you have nice headphones and there are no crying babies up here. Works every time. Ignore upstairs moving furniture. There is no furniture in First Class!