The indispensable text for beard owners and lovers alike, Poets Ranked by Beard Weight , was published earlier this month, elucidating the various weights of poet beard (and thus, of course, poet) through an arcane system of magic and analysis. Though in our many studies we’ve found that on the whole, poets’ beards are heavier than their novelist equivalents, we felt that limiting the field to masters of verse was tantamount to cruelty, and so have applied Underwood’s theories to a handful of prose writers and a playwright or two, so that they might feel included. Click through to see our list of authors ranked by beard weight, all using UPI. That is: “Underwood’s Pogonometric Index, plotted by means of numerical values designating “poetic gravity” and relative “beard weights,” yields readings ranging from zero to a positive value of sixty. The normal range for the average individual is ten to twenty-four. For exceptional individuals, it can run to a value of forty and above.” Yes, it’s a very precise system.
UNDERWOOD POGONOMETRIC INDEX
6 10 Very very weak 14 18 Very weak 22 26 Fairly weak 30 34 Somewhat heavy 38 42 Heavy 46 50 Very heavy 54 58 Very very heavy 60
William Shakespeare Beard type: Anchor Typical opus: Romeo and Juliet Gravity (UPI rating): 25
Geoffrey Chaucer Beard Type: Ducktail Typical opus: The Canterbury Tales Gravity (UPI rating): 26
D.H. Lawrence Beard Type: Short Box Typical opus: Women in Love Gravity (UPI rating): 28
Henrik Ibsen Beard Type: The Queen’s Muttonchops Typical opus: A Doll’s House Gravity (UPI rating): 40
Fyodor Dostoevsky Beard Type: Ragged French Fork Typical opus: Crime and Punishment Gravity (UPI rating): 34
Victor Hugo Beard Type: Short Box Typical opus: Les Misérables Gravity (UPI rating): 31
Jules Verne Beard Type: Groomed Garibaldi Typical opus: Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea Gravity (UPI rating): 33
Leo Tolstoy Beard Type: Elongated French Fork Typical opus: Anna Karenina Gravity (UPI rating): 45
Ernest Hemingway Beard Type: Daddy’s Box Typical opus: The Sun Also Rises Gravity (UPI rating): 29
Alan Moore Beard Type: Hibernator Typical opus: Watchmen Gravity (UPI rating): 41
Miguel de Cervantes Beard Type: Van Dyke Typical opus: Don Quixote Gravity (UPI rating): 30
Umberto Eco Beard Type: Short Box Typical opus: The Name of the Rose Gravity (UPI rating): 27
George R.R. Martin Beard Type: Wandering Fisherman Typical opus: A Game of Thrones Gravity (UPI rating): 41
Anton Chekhov Beard Type: Pointed Hollywoodian Typical opus: “The Lady with the Little Dog” Gravity (UPI rating): 32
Joseph Conrad Beard Type: Anchor Typical opus: Heart of Darkness Gravity (UPI rating): 39
Salman Rushdie Beard Type: Cropped Van Dyke Typical opus: Midnight’s Children Gravity (UPI rating): 23
Charles Dickens Beard Type: Elongated Spade Typical opus: A Tale of Two Cities Gravity (UPI rating): 42
Herman Melville Beard Type: Old Dutch Typical opus: Moby Dick Gravity (UPI rating): 45