Authors Ranked by Beard Weight

The indispensable text for beard owners and lovers alike, Poets Ranked by Beard Weight, was published earlier this month, elucidating the various weights of poet beard (and thus, of course, poet) through an arcane system of magic and analysis. Though in our many studies we’ve found that on the whole, poets’ beards are heavier than their novelist equivalents, we felt that limiting the field to masters of verse was tantamount to cruelty, and so have applied Underwood’s theories to a handful of prose writers and a playwright or two, so that they might feel included. Click through to see our list of authors ranked by beard weight, all using UPI. That is: “Underwood’s Pogonometric Index, plotted by means of numerical values designating “poetic gravity” and relative “beard weights,” yields readings ranging from zero to a positive value of sixty. The normal range for the average individual is ten to twenty-four. For exceptional individuals, it can run to a value of forty and above.” Yes, it’s a very precise system.


10 Very very weak
18 Very weak
26 Fairly weak
34 Somewhat heavy
42 Heavy
50 Very heavy
58 Very very heavy

William Shakespeare
Beard type: Anchor
Typical opus: Romeo and Juliet
Gravity (UPI rating): 25

Geoffrey Chaucer
Beard Type: Ducktail
Typical opus: The Canterbury Tales
Gravity (UPI rating): 26

D.H. Lawrence
Beard Type: Short Box
Typical opus: Women in Love
Gravity (UPI rating): 28

Henrik Ibsen
Beard Type: The Queen’s Muttonchops
Typical opus: A Doll’s House
Gravity (UPI rating): 40

Fyodor Dostoevsky
Beard Type: Ragged French Fork
Typical opus: Crime and Punishment
Gravity (UPI rating): 34