There are two types of people who care about The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — those who are already lining up to get into tonight’s midnight screenings and those who are simply devouring the hilarious reviews of critics who never wanted to see the movie in the first place. For that latter group (of which we are most certainly a part), today’s crop of reactions are solid gold. While the general consensus seems to be that Breaking Dawn is too long and slow, with bad writing and no performances to write home about, it’s the details of the funniest reviews that will send you into hysterics. See Taylor Lautner compared to a pizza-delivering porn star and much, much more after the jump.
At the venerable New York Times , one of our favorite critics, Manohla Dargis, has a lot of positive things to say about Breaking Dawn. Her compliments do not extend to Taylor Lautner’s acting chops, although she does seem to enjoy his physique:
“Crucially and as important, Mr. Condon, whose earlier films include Dreamgirls and Gods and Monsters, can also offer up, and without a suggestion of filmmaker embarrassment, the sight of Mr. Lautner ripping off his shirt. As Jacob, Edward’s long-suffering, oft-rejected rival for Bella’s affection, Mr. Lautner has plenty of reasons to strip angry: he can turn into a wolf, for starters, and Jacob’s musculature has long been one of the most special of the movies’ effects. That’s reason enough for Mr. Condon to get the character’s shirt off, as is the unavoidable truth that Mr. Lautner, whose pumped physique and flat affect bring to mind one of those friendly pizza delivery boys in a pornographic movie, remains a dish best served with as few words and clothes as possible.”
We can see it now — Strip Angry: The Taylor Lautner Story. Lautner’s non-acting comes up again in a wonderful, absolutely-worth-reading-in-full review by Dan Kois at the Village Voice , in a paragraph that also pokes fun at the film’s lack of plot and ridiculous product placement:
“Breaking Dawn’s plot points — and there are only four in total — are separated by long montages and music-video sequences. The padding is at its most brutally obvious when we’re treated to a long sequence, covered by three separate cameras, of Jacob (Taylor Lautner) walking up a staircase, turning at the landing, walking up another staircase, turning at the landing, and walking up a third and final staircase. Yet whole characters and subplots are shoved to the side, never to be seen again; I’m almost certain that one vampire played by Jackson Rathbone utters but a single word. (‘Possibly.’) Breaking Dawn is both overlong and understuffed. I lived a thousand lifetimes watching it, and died a thousand deaths. (The worst one was when Edward looked up ‘immortalicum’ on Yahoo! search. On Yahoo! Search!)”
Jeff Otto of indieWIRE (who, you would think, could have spared themselves the viewing based solely upon the “indie” in their name) adds to the pile on Lautner, while still reserving some amusing words for Robert Pattinson’s performance:
“Also odd is the ever-dwindling chemistry between Pattinson and Stewart, the latter of the pairing giving her most wooden performance of the franchise, which is really saying something. Pattinson is relegated to the background with brooding glances and amplified emo attitude. Lautner’s increased presence doesn’t really serve anyone, especially without the distraction of multiple shirtless ab-flexing scenes. It should be noted that Jacob removes his shirt inexplicably only once, right in the beginning, and it’s brief. After that he’s forced to rely strictly on his pure instincts as a thespian.”
At The Arizona Republic , Bill Goodykoontz attempts to explain Twilight‘s appeal to the adults in the audience, but can’t help underlining the silliness of the entire enterprise:
“Forget that the film is too long and not very exciting, that the dialogue is still as deadly as a vampire bite (sorry — the lame writing must be contagious) and that some of it is SPOKEN BY WOLVES. Well, werewolves, but still. What makes these movies popular are the stars — Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Lautner — portraying a sort of supernatural high-school fantasy romance, with fangs and claws. All are in evidence here.”
Notice Goodykoontz doesn’t say that the actors are doing an especially good job, but simply mentions that they are present. In fact, those hoping to see Stewart and Pattinson steam up the screen will also be disappointed, says TIME‘s Mary Pols:
“I wish I could report it was worth the wait, but paparazzi pictures of Pattinson and Stewart nuzzling are sexier than this. After Edward and Bella mutter their vows to each other in the woodsy garden of the Cullen mansion, the duo departs for a honeymoon on a Brazilian island. There is an ongoing debate over exactly how they’ll fare in the all-white marital bed. Bella’s discarded swain, Jacob (Taylor Lautner) the gentle werewolf, has voiced his concerns about them having sex before Bella has been turned into a vampire – ‘you’ll kill her!’ he says to Edward, as if vampire penis were a 300 horse-powered drill. But Bella demurs; the conversion process from human to vamp is agonizing. ‘I don’t want to spend my honeymoon writhing in pain.’ “Ahem. She does end up bruised after giving up her maidenhood, and no wonder – Edward clutches the bedstead in pleasure and it crunches like Styrofoam (or a cheesy set) beneath his fingers. But everything we see is tame, firmly in the territory of artfully tangled sheets. Director Bill Condon (Dreamgirls, Gods and Monsters) delivers soap opera-style sex — the kisses are dry, the caresses sweat-free, yet still, he cuts away discreetly like a blushing schoolgirl.”