It’s Aziz Ansari’s birthday, folks! How will you fill this lovely day? With clothes? Fragrances? Massages? Mimosas? Fine leather goods? Batman costumes? Go ahead and throw yourself a full-blown Treat Yo Self Day to celebrate the occasion. After all, who knows how to party better than Aziz’s Parks and Recreation alter ego, Tom Haverford? In Tom’s perfect world, we would all spend the day grooving to the sweet beats of DJ Roomba at the Snakehole Lounge. To honor a newly 29-year-old Ansari and his fictional lady-crazed counterpart, we’ve gathered a collection of 25 ridiculous Tom Haverford quotes — a “Shit Tom Haverford Says,” if you will — after the jump.
1. “Your favorite kind of cake can’t be birthday cake, that’s like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.”
2. “Whenever Leslie asks me for the Latin names of any of our plants, I just give her the names of rappers. Those are some Diddies. Those are some Bone Thugs-N-Harmoniums, right here. Those Ludacrises are coming in great.”
3. “At the risk bragging, one of the things I’m best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial credit.”
4. “I want to take that cheese and do terrible things to it.”
5. “The four sweetest words in the English language — ‘You wore me down.'”
6. “I want to open up my own club one day, maybe call it something like Club a Dub Dub, or the Club Marine. Sort of a submarine-themed club. Or Tom’s Bistro. The word ‘bistro’ is classy as shit.”
7. “No, I don’t text her, ‘It was nice meeting you.’ I wait eight weeks and I text her, ‘What’s crackin?'”
8. “‘Zerts’ are what I call desserts. ‘Trée-trées’ are entrées. I call sandwiches ‘sammies,’ ‘sandoozles,’ or ‘Adam Sandlers.’ Air conditioners are ‘cool blasterz’ with a ‘z’ — I don’t know where that came from. I call cakes ‘big ol’ cookies.’ I call noodles ‘long-ass rice.’ Fried chicken is ‘fry-fry chicky-chick.’ Chicken parm is ‘chicky-chicky-parm-parm.’ Chicken cacciatore? ‘Chicky-cacc.’ I call eggs ‘pre-birds,’ or ‘future birds.’ Root beer is ‘super water.’ Tortillas are ‘bean blankets.’ And I call forks ‘food rakes.'”
9. “Yeah, I’ve been a little down. Totally natural. I’m getting a divorce, but now I’m ready to pull myself up by some G-strings.”
10. “One of my life goals is to be a best man. It’s a baller position. You get drunk, you make speeches, and you make love to the prettiest bridesmaid. Usually standing from behind.”
11. “I’m like an elephant, OK? If I walk into a room, it’s like, OK, he’s in there.”
12. “I think you sound like an angel, and everyone else sounds like demons.”
13. “Oh, what’s this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I’m walking on red carpet.”
14. “She broke up with me. Didn’t really tell me why. Luckily when you’re the guy, you can just tell people she’s crazy. ‘Hey, Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up.’ ‘Yeah, man. Turns out, she’s crazy.’ That’s what they always do on Entourage.”
15. “I have no interest in art. Let me clarify — I have no interest in non-nude images.”
16. “I have a couple of ‘doing caps’ in my wallet. That’s what I call condoms.”
17. “I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to ’cause then there’s more room for me on the low road.”
18. “No one’s trying to get with jugglers.”
19. “When I bet on horses, I never lose. Why? I bet on all the horses.”
20. “I strapped an MP3 player to one of those floor-cleaning robots. Call him DJ Roomba — little guy cruises around and plays music. What’s hot, DJ Roomba!”
21. “Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don’t Cost a Thing with Nick Cannon. Which is based on Can’t Buy Me Love, which is based on Kramer vs. Kramer, or something, which I think was Shakespeare.”
22. “Modern life. Where are we running? Sometimes what we want is not always where we are… Are we alone? Is the real winter inside our hearts? We are all struggling for definition in a world that resists our increase.”
23. “Every now and then, we have these little gatherings, and Leslie gets plastered. One time, I convinced her to try to fax someone a Fruit Roll-Up.”
24. “You don’t know Jay-Z’s schedule. He’s a Renaissance man.”
25. “[Listing his investment ideas] Make-A-Baby Tuxedo clothing line. A department store with a guest list. White fur earmuffs for men. Contact lenses that display text messages. Invent a phone that smells good. Own a nightclub, call it Eclipse, that’s only open for one hour two times a year. Cover charge? Five thousand dollars.”