Have you ever wondered how to “take care” of an unwanted hermit crab? Amy Sedaris has some good ideas. Lack health insurance, and need to know if what you’re dealing with is a good mole or a bad mole? Then Zach Galifianakis is (sort of) your guy. Curious what exactly lighthouses are good for in these modern times? Kristen Schaal isn’t afraid to tell you the truth of the situation: bringing whale crime to light. There’s also Nick Hornby with suggestions on two of the best songs for lovemaking, Weird Al with first-timer tips for a decorating man cave, and Bob Saget with an informative take on what “friends with benefits” really means.
Care to Make Love in That Gross Little Space Between Cars? is more than just our favorite book title ever — it’s also a brand new compendium of advice from the good folks at the Believer magazine that includes contributions from the aforementioned celebrities, as well as a bunch of other well-known comedians, lit world luminaries, and hilarious TV types who have worked on shows like Saturday Night Live, Parks and Recreation, The Colbert Report, and The Daily Show. Click through to preview Louis C.K.’s chapter now, and be sure to pick up a copy of the book, which hits shelves today.
(The editors and Mr. C.K. would like to apologize in advance for his overt and unnecessary hostility. Mr. C.K. was, by his own admission, having a bad day.)
Dear Louis:
How come Arnold Palmer gets a drink named after him and I don’t? Could you recommend steps toward I have a drink named after me greatness?
Envious Imbiber
Ann Arbor, MI
Dear Envious:
First of all, the Arnold Palmer, as it is known (half lemonade, half iced tea), was not named after the golfer Arnold Palmer. It was named after your mother’s dried-up old snatchola. Yeah. You heard me right.
Louis
Dear Louis:
I’m ready to grow a mustache, but I don’t want to send the wrong message. What does each style of mustache say about its owner?
Norm
Jacksonville, FL
Dear Norm:
I don’t know what any mustache says about its owner, but I know what yours will say. It will say, “Please get me off the face of this stupid, ugly cunt.” Nobody likes you. Even the a and the n at the end of your name ran off because you’re such a fucking stupid twat. Thanks for your letter.
Louis
Dear Louis: Is secondhand smoke really as bad as everyone says it is?
Rebekkeh T.
San Francisco, CA
Dear Rebekkeh:
Very good question. Let me give you some statistics.
1. Your name is stupid. 2. Nobody cares what you think. 3. I hate you. 4. I have a pretty nice penis. It’s not huge, but it’s well sized and it’s nice. This isn’t directed at you. It’s directed at any attractive woman reading this book who might run into me later in her life. I’d rather advertise my penis than answer your stupid question. Idiot. Louis
Image credit: The Idler
Dear Louis:
For a long time the main thing that’s bothered me is procrastination. Like right now. I’m procrastinating instead of doing my job.
In the old days humans hunted and were hunted by mastodons and wolverines and such, but now we sit in front of computers. We got no excitement. So I procrastinate. Piss people off. Barrel through deadlines. Living la vida loca. Am I wrongheaded about all this?
Bret Thurber Las Vegas, NV
Dear Bret: You sound like a real card. You sound like you really got a clever mind and you’re always spinning your wheels about some-whatsit crazy business. Mastodons??? What a nut. “That Bret,” your friends must say, “he is quite a kook. I hope his wife has a baby into his mouth and it gets lodged in his throat and he chokes on his own stupid baby.” Louis
Dear Louis:
I cut up an old backpack to make my own Baby Björn. He doesn’t seem to like it much. Any advice on how to make it more comfortable or entertaining for the kid?
Paula Winchell Winnipeg, Canada
Dear Paula:
First of all, I don’t believe you. I have owned three Baby Björns and I can assure you that you couldn’t make one out of a “cut up” old backpack.
Second of all, Baby Björns are stupid. Just carry your ugly, ugly kid or let him walk next to you as you live your shit life. Don’t make him hang on your sad, flat, old, pimply, sweater-wearing chest.
Third of all, I hate you because you leave things out of every sentence. “He doesn’t seem to like it much.” Who?! Who the fuck are you talking about, you lazy cunt?!
“Any advice?” Do you mean, “Do you have any advice?” You left out the “Do you have” part. I hate people who talk like that. They also say things like “Fact is. . .” Get your goddamn hands out of your pockets and say an entire sentence! And please take the entire town of Winnipeg and shove it up your mom’s asshole. Louis
Dear Louis:
I took my baby girl out for a walk last week and a teenage boy passed me in the street and told me I was “a total MILF.” What does this mean? Should I be insulted?
Cindy Valdes
Buckhorn, CO
Dear Cindy: MILF is a common acronym used by teenagers these days. It stands for “Ugly Bitch Who Lies about Some Kid Calling Her a MILF.” He didn’t say it and you know it. Why don’t you tell me the real story? You were taking your baby girl for a walk when nobody walked by and nobody said anything. Because you are invisible to the caring world. Oh my god. What is wrong with me?
Louis
From the book CARE TO MAKE LOVE IN THAT GROSS LITTLE SPACE BETWEEN CARS? by The Believer © 2012 The Believer, Inc. Reprinted with the permission of Vintage Books, an imprint of the Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc.