As much as we’re all disgusted by the hate-mongering, attention-seeking antics of Fred Phelps and his entire Westboro Baptist Church gang, we have to admit that occasionally we’re very amused by their opinions on popular culture. Seriously, whoever they get to write their press releases and offensive biographies of celebrities can get deliciously catty at times, to the point where if they ever get disowned by the church, they could probably get a very cushy job writing for E!’s Fashion Police.
Don’t think you have to sift through all the repulsive rhetoric on their websites to find these gems of critical insight, however — we’ve rounded up the best ones for you! Normally, we’d ask for suggestions of what we’ve missed in the comments, but really, don’t. We’re already sick of them as it is.
Radiohead
“You have stolen the Word of God from your people and children, and as a sorry substitute, you prop up lightness and lies… Radiohead is just such an event. Freak monkey’s with mediocre tunes keeps you busy and focused by lightness. It changes nothing, God is undoing and digging up and throwing down this nation.”
Is it weird that we’re more offended by their improper use of punctuation here than we are by their musical critique? Especially since some of them actually think Radiohead is pretty talented?
Lady Gaga
“Incidentally, her claim to the title of ‘Lady’ is sound only if she tacks on ‘of the night,’ thereby alluding to another euphamism for what she is.”
Don’t tempt Gaga. She’s already going to marry the night, after all. She’d have no problem taking its name. Besides, if she’s such a skank, then why do you guys get so into singing her tunes?
Michael Jackson
“We will be there to tell you to Thank God for the death of this filthy, adulterous, idolatrous, gender-confused, nationality-confused, unthankful brute beast. We will be there to remind you that God Killed Wacko Jacko.”
Nationality confused? Now we’re confused. We’re pretty sure Jackson’s only ever been an American, right? Is this a race thing, WBC? We know you’re sexist and homophobic, but racist? Come on, now.
Whoopi Goldberg
“Why are you famous again?”
Ouch. That’s not fair, she was great in Star Trek!
Comic-Con
“Are you kidding?! If these people would spend even some of the energy that they spend on these comic books, reading the Bible, well no high hopes here… It is time to put away the silly vanities and turn to God like you mean it. The destruction of this nation is imminent – so start calling on Batman and Superman now, see if they can pull you from the mess that you have created with all your silly idolatry.”
They’ve actually got a point here. We probably could get a lot more accomplished if we stopped spending so much time on comic books — and on making hilarious counter-protest signs.
Ricky Gervais
“The UK version of the Office sucked. And God hates you.”
Come on, WBC, now it doesn’t even sound like you’re trying.
PBS News Hour
“[The show is] very tidy, with the ‘you’re all good, I’m all good’ approach while carefully & clinically leaving [Jim Lehrer’s] opinion out of the story. And we’re happy for him; we’ll let him finish. But while WBC, a humble, little church in the middle of the country was hauled half-way across the nation to be put on trial solely because of their religious speech (in clear violation of their First Amendment rights) – there sits Jim Lehrer and the PBS News Hour silent as a tomb.”
Wait, did they just quote Kanye West? They did. They seriously did. What?
All Time Low
“You’re not really that good or famous, but you tweeted against WBC.”
See? So catty! They’ll condemn you on their website just for saying mean things about them! (Can we get a shout out, guys?)
Kevin Smith
On Jersey Girl: “Just really bad. Awful. Really. Rotten Tomatoes said: ‘Full of cloyingly sentimental clichés,’ and it was nominated for 3 Razzie Awards (which are only given out for pure crap).”
We love Kevin Smith, but they kind of have a point here, too. We’re surprised they aren’t angrier about Dogma and Red State, though.
Arianna Huffington
“In a word, Arianna has no core values or principles. It is thus only fitting she proudly hosts the Huffington Post, where guest writers gleefully take pot-shots at WBC early and often. But it’s all good, just more publication of God’s truths in these last days, truths like God Hates Fags, Fags Doom Nations and America is Doomed. Oh, and what’s up with Arianna marrying a fag? We can take the annoying Greek accent, but enough already with marrying a filthy fag.”
Extra points for slipping in that crack about her accent, WBC. What’s the point of hating people who are different from you if you can’t make fun of them for those differences, right guys?