Congratulations! You just put the final coat of paint on your Westeros papier-mâché relief map, there’s a batch of nearly perfected King Joffrey-head cake pops in the fridge, and you’re feeling infinitely stronger after the past ten months of Braavosi Water Dancing lessons. The only problem is that all this preparation for the return of your beloved series has taken you out of the dating game, and your rapier is the closest thing you’ve had to a romantic attachment in a year. It’s understandable you’re feeling less than confident in your flirting abilities, but before you do something drastic like commit yourself to the celibate lifestyle of the Night’s Watch, why not try some of our Game of Thrones pickup lines this coming Sunday? Hand-picked from Season 1, they’re spoiler-proof and organized step-by-step to help you land the man or woman of your dream noble house.
Step 1: Open with something profound
“For all the weight they’re given, last words are usually as significant as first words.”
“A mind needs a book like a sword needs a whetstone.”
“A Dothraki wedding without at least three deaths is considered a dull affair.”
“I know a story about a crow.”
Step 2: Next try flattery
“Very handsome armor. Not a scratch on it.”
“Your loyalty to your captors is touching.”
“Glad to see you’re protecting the throne” (to the evening’s unwitting bathroom attendant).
“I have a tender spot in my heart for cripples, bastards and broken things.”
Step 3: Now brag about yourself
“Have you ever heard the phrase ‘rich as a Lannister’?”
“There are no men like me. Only me.”
“I have never been nothing. I am the blood of the dragon.”
“People have been swinging at me for years, they always seem to miss.”
Step 4: Move into some friendly banter
“Tell me, does someone somewhere keep your balls in a little box? I’ve often wondered.”
“I always thought you were a stunted fool. Perhaps I was wrong.”
“And how do a bear’s balls taste?”
“I should wear the armor, and you the gown.”
Step 5: Insult/threaten their ex
“He was no dragon. Fire cannot kill a dragon.”
“I’ll go to war with him if I have to. They can write a ballad about us, ‘The War for (name of romantic prospect)’s (dirty word for prospect’s sex organs).'”
“Look at this idiot. One ball and no brains. He can’t even put a man’s armor on him properly.”
Step 6: And then show your sensitive side
“Some doors close forever. Others open in most unexpected places.”
“Zhey jalan atthirari anni.” (“Moon of my life.”)
“Shekh ma shieraki anni!” (“My sun and stars.”)
Step 7: Tell an interesting story
“Once there were two moons in the sky, but one wandered too close to the sun and it cracked from the heat. Out of it poured a thousand thousand dragons and they drank the sun’s fire.”
“Thousands of years ago, there came a night that lasted a generation. Kings froze to death in their castles, same as the shepherds in their huts, and women smothered their babies rather than see them starve, and wept, and felt their tears freeze on their cheeks. So is this the sort of story that you like?”
Step 8: Reveal something personal
“I am a vile man, I confess it. My crimes and sins are beyond counting. I have lied and cheated, gambled and whored. I’m not particularly good at violence, but I’m good at convincing others to do violence for me.”
“Strange thing, the first time you cut a man. Realize we are nothing but sacks of meat, blood and some bone to keep it all standing.”
“I always wanted to be a ranger.”
“I always wanted to be a wizard.”
Step 9: Make grand-gesture overtures
“Give me an hour, and I can put a hundred swords at your command.”
“I’ll tell you what. I’m going to give you a present. After I raise my armies, and kill your traitor brother, I’ll give you his head as well.”
“I’ll kill him. Ned Stark, the king, the whole bloody lot of them until you and I are the only people left in this whole world.”
Step 10: Invoke “carpe diem”
“Hodor!”
“Fear is for the winter, when the snows fall a hundred feet deep. Fear is for the long night when the sun hides for years and children are born and live and die all in darkness. That is the time for fear.”
“Death is so final. Whereas life, ah, life is so full of possibilities.”
“I need you to become the man you’re always meant to be. Not next year, not tomorrow… now.”
Step 11: And close
“Tell me, which do you favor, your fingers or your tongue?”
“Now, you’ve woken the dragon!”
“Ajjalan anha zalat vitiherat yer hatif.” (“Tonight I would look upon your face.”)
Step 12: If none of the above work, eat a horse heart or quote Ben Wyatt
“They would never cancel Game of Thrones. It’s a crossover hit. It’s not just for fantasy enthusiasts. They’re telling human stories in a fantasy world!”