Literary Classics With Slang Makeovers

Today marks the release of On the Bro’d, a parody of Jack Kerouac’s seminal novel in which the entire book is translated into bro-speak. In case you’re not quite sure what that means, here’s a quote you may recognize, totally bro-ified: “The only bros for me are the mad awesome ones, the ones who are mad to chug, mad to party, mad to bone, mad to get hammered, desirous of all the chicks at Buffalo Wild Wings, the ones who never turn down a Natty Light, but chug, chug, chug like f*cking awesome players exploding like spiders across an Ed Hardy shirt and in the middle you see the silver skull pop and everybody goes, “Awww, sh*t!” Yep — and you can read even more over at the On the Bro’d website. Inspired by the whole idea, we decided to take an amateur hand to translating a few of our other favorite classic novels in various kinds of slang. Click through to see what we came up with, and feel free to do some of your own translations in the comments.

The House of Mirth in Valspeak 

(You’ll just have to imagine all the uptalking)

Mrs. Trenor sat up with an exclamation. “OMG Lily! Percy? Are you telling me you’ve actually, you know, done it?”

Miss Bart smiled. “As if! I only mean that Gryce and I are like, getting pretty tight.”

“Um, oh my god.” Mrs. Trenor stared at her. “You know, all the girls say he makes eight hundred thousand bucks a year – and he spends like nothing, except on his totally boring books. I mean, who reads books? And I totally heard, don’t ask me from who, that his mother has heart disease, and is so gonna leave him way more. Watch out, girl!”

Miss Bart continued to smile. “Well I wouldn’t, like, tell him his books were totally boring. Duh!”

“As if! I know you know how to talk to guys. I’m just saying, he’s like pretty shy, and kind of easily shocked, and, you know — ”

“Ugh! Oh my god! Just say it, Judy. Everyone thinks I’m a total gold digger?”

“Oh my god, I don’t mean it like that. Whatever! He’d, like, never believe that trashy gossip,” said Mrs. Trenor. “But you know when we throw our bitchin’ parties, they can get kinda, like, wild – OMG BTW I have to tell Jack and Gus about this – and if he thought you were like, what his mother would call like a total slut, ugh you know what I mean. Don’t wear that tight red dress to dinner, even though it makes you look like a total Betty, and so don’t smoke in front of him.”