They say music moves in 20-year cycles, and the surfeit of ’90s-influenced bands on the scene at the moment seems to suggest that maybe they’re right (whoever “they” are.) It also seems that there are plenty of original ’90s bands playing at the moment, both renascent (Garbage, Pulp) those who never went away (Pearl Jam, for instance), or those who have no right to actually exist either way and are yet somehow touring together. Anyway, with all this in mind — and, specifically, because the new Garbage album is out this week — we thought it was high time for another of our stereotyping posts. Obligatory disclaimer: this is all in fun, so don’t take offense — and also, as ever, our stereotype is in there with the rest. See if you can guess which one it is!
Oasis Aging Anglophiles who still read the NME religiously.
Pulp People who had no problem paying $70 to see Jarvis et al at Radio City last month, and yet insist on shopping exclusively at Beacon’s Closet.
The Lemonheads Slackers who watch The Big Lebowski at least once a week.
Placebo Sexually fluid types confronting the fact that androgyny doesn’t work so well with a receding hairline.
The Offspring Veteran skaters who never could understand how people could refer to Talking Heads as “punk,” anyway.
Blind Melon The Bee Girl.
Live People still too afraid to admit after all these years that they totally thought Ed Kowalczyk was actually Michael Stipe.
Rage Against the Machine Conspiracy theorists who think Republicans are out to get them, and may be correct.
Ben Folds Five Conspiracy theorists who think women are out to get them, and may be correct.
L7 Angry women who really do keep shitlists.
Built to Spill Dudes who were into buying stuff on vinyl long before it was cool again.
Belly Really lovely matronly types who hug for slightly too long.
Pearl Jam People who consider “alternative” to be a viable genre.
Matchbox Twenty People who consider “alternative” to be a viable genre, but secretly never actually liked it that much.
The Prodigy Slightly pungent bug-eyed types who still take ecstasy regularly.
Garbage Girls who are generally awesome but still somehow seem to have really terrible relationships.
Manic Street Preachers Thirtysomethings who eschew leopard print these days, but are still messes of eyeliner and spray paint at heart.
My Bloody Valentine Sound engineers.
Primus Bass players.
Presidents of the United States of America Determinedly oddball types who are not as funny as they think they are.
The Bloodhound Gang Bros who own all the Farrelly brothers’ films on DVD.
Republica Sports fans.
Blink-182 People born between January 1, 1987 and December 31, 1988.
Portishead Well-off couples who enjoy hosting dinner parties.
Hootie and the Blowfish Grown men who insist on using the word “buddy.”
Phish Grown men who insist on wearing shorts.
The Spin Doctors Grown men who insist on using the word “buddy” and wearing shorts.
Red Hot Chili Peppers Dudes who can’t really understand how anyone could possibly dislike LA.
Bikini Kill Cool girls who wear Doc boots with long shorts.
Smashing Pumpkins Carbuncular adolescents who can play the guitar very, very, very, very well.
Blur Lads who wear polo shirts with the collars turned up and secretly wish that Damon would stop all this larking about with Gorillaz and African music.
Hole Despairing überans who will agree in private conversation that Courtney does need to “sort herself out.”
Babes in Toyland People who’ve always known that Courtney needs to sort herself out.
Counting Crows Cashed-up lefties who now live in the West Village.
Catatonia Girls who have had their stomach pumped at least once.
Jeff Buckley Guys who fancy themselves as romantics and would be happy to invite you in for coffee. If you want. Of course. It’s up to you. Just saying.
The Dave Matthews Band Next-door neighbors who brew their own beer and reminisce an awful lot about how great their college years were.
Bis Girls who secretly want to be Japanese manga characters.
Pavement Earnest music nerds who will, in casual conversation, use the word “angular” to describe guitar riffs.
Neutral Milk Hotel People who’ve been out of college at least five years but still describe themselves as philosophy majors and take breakups really hard.
Green Day Guys who you used to dislike at high school and who now claim that they actually always liked the Clash better than Blink-182.
Mazzy Star Sad-eyed girls who read a lot on the subway.
Bush That one person you know who always laughs even though you know deep down they don’t quite get the joke.
The Black Crowes Large men with long sweaty hair and personal hydroponic operations in their garage.
Belle & Sebastian Bookish types who will pay very good money on eBay for a copy of the original C86 tape.
The Cranberries Earnest women who sign online petitions about global “issues.”
Superchunk Record store employees.
Suede Impossibly slender men who own at least one blouse.
Teenage Fanclub Scots.
Nirvana A whole new generation of angry, disaffected teenagers. Hold on, kids. It does get better eventually.