Stereotyping You by Your Favorite ’90s Band

They say music moves in 20-year cycles, and the surfeit of ’90s-influenced bands on the scene at the moment seems to suggest that maybe they’re right (whoever “they” are.) It also seems that there are plenty of original ’90s bands playing at the moment, both renascent (Garbage, Pulp) those who never went away (Pearl Jam, for instance), or those who have no right to actually exist either way and are yet somehow touring together. Anyway, with all this in mind — and, specifically, because the new Garbage album is out this week — we thought it was high time for another of our stereotyping posts. Obligatory disclaimer: this is all in fun, so don’t take offense — and also, as ever, our stereotype is in there with the rest. See if you can guess which one it is!

Aging Anglophiles who still read the NME religiously.

People who had no problem paying $70 to see Jarvis et al at Radio City last month, and yet insist on shopping exclusively at Beacon’s Closet.

The Lemonheads
Slackers who watch The Big Lebowski at least once a week.

Sexually fluid types confronting the fact that androgyny doesn’t work so well with a receding hairline.

The Offspring
Veteran skaters who never could understand how people could refer to Talking Heads as “punk,” anyway.

Blind Melon
The Bee Girl.

People still too afraid to admit after all these years that they totally thought Ed Kowalczyk was actually Michael Stipe.

Rage Against the Machine
Conspiracy theorists who think Republicans are out to get them, and may be correct.

Ben Folds Five
Conspiracy theorists who think women are out to get them, and may be correct.

Angry women who really do keep shitlists.

Built to Spill
Dudes who were into buying stuff on vinyl long before it was cool again.

Really lovely matronly types who hug for slightly too long.

Pearl Jam
People who consider “alternative” to be a viable genre.

Matchbox Twenty
People who consider “alternative” to be a viable genre, but secretly never actually liked it that much.

The Prodigy
Slightly pungent bug-eyed types who still take ecstasy regularly.

Girls who are generally awesome but still somehow seem to have really terrible relationships.

Manic Street Preachers
Thirtysomethings who eschew leopard print these days, but are still messes of eyeliner and spray paint at heart.

My Bloody Valentine
Sound engineers.

Bass players.

Presidents of the United States of America
Determinedly oddball types who are not as funny as they think they are.

The Bloodhound Gang
Bros who own all the Farrelly brothers’ films on DVD.

Sports fans.

People born between January 1, 1987 and December 31, 1988.

Well-off couples who enjoy hosting dinner parties.

Hootie and the Blowfish
Grown men who insist on using the word “buddy.”

Grown men who insist on wearing shorts.

The Spin Doctors
Grown men who insist on using the word “buddy” and wearing shorts.

Red Hot Chili Peppers
Dudes who can’t really understand how anyone could possibly dislike LA.

Bikini Kill
Cool girls who wear Doc boots with long shorts.

Smashing Pumpkins
Carbuncular adolescents who can play the guitar very, very, very, very well.

Lads who wear polo shirts with the collars turned up and secretly wish that Damon would stop all this larking about with Gorillaz and African music.

Despairing überans who will agree in private conversation that Courtney does need to “sort herself out.”

Babes in Toyland
People who’ve always known that Courtney needs to sort herself out.

Counting Crows
Cashed-up lefties who now live in the West Village.

Girls who have had their stomach pumped at least once.

Jeff Buckley
Guys who fancy themselves as romantics and would be happy to invite you in for coffee. If you want. Of course. It’s up to you. Just saying.

The Dave Matthews Band
Next-door neighbors who brew their own beer and reminisce an awful lot about how great their college years were.

Girls who secretly want to be Japanese manga characters.

Earnest music nerds who will, in casual conversation, use the word “angular” to describe guitar riffs.

Neutral Milk Hotel
People who’ve been out of college at least five years but still describe themselves as philosophy majors and take breakups really hard.

Green Day
Guys who you used to dislike at high school and who now claim that they actually always liked the Clash better than Blink-182.

Mazzy Star
Sad-eyed girls who read a lot on the subway.

That one person you know who always laughs even though you know deep down they don’t quite get the joke.

The Black Crowes
Large men with long sweaty hair and personal hydroponic operations in their garage.

Belle & Sebastian
Bookish types who will pay very good money on eBay for a copy of the original C86 tape.

The Cranberries
Earnest women who sign online petitions about global “issues.”

Record store employees.

Impossibly slender men who own at least one blouse.

Teenage Fanclub

A whole new generation of angry, disaffected teenagers. Hold on, kids. It does get better eventually.